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Fun with Web page filters

Want to take your ordinary prose and make it really crackle? Why not run it through a Web page filter? Then you can get on with your day without getting bogged down in pesky rewrites. Check it out:

MY ORDINARY PROSE:

You’re standing in the checkout line with your little basket of toothpaste, potatoes, light bulbs and tuna, right in the middle of a line of five people. Suddenly you hear, “I’m open on lane 2!” and the people behind you quickly scoot their gargantuan carts right over there, leaving you last in line. You were in line before them, yet these people got to go first. This would never happen if guns were sold at grocery stores.



REDNECK

(www.psyclops.com/translator/)




You’re standin’ ‘n thar dang checkout line n’all y’alls little basket uv toothpaste, potatoes, light bulbs ‘n tuna, right ‘n thar dang middle uv ah line uv five people, hot damn! Suddenly y’all hear, “I’m open on lane 2!” ‘n thar dang cousins behind y’all quickly scoot they’s gargantuan carts right ovuh there, leavin’ y’all last ‘n line, pardner. Y’all wuz ‘n line before them, yet these cousins git tuh go first, pardner. This would nevuh happen if guns wuz sold at grocery stores, hot damn!

SNOOP DOGG

(www.asksnoop.com/shizz_frame.php)

Yo’ ass’re standing in da checkout line wit yo’ little basket of toothpaste, potatoes, light bulbs ‘n tuna, right in da middle of a line of five muthas ‘n shit. Suddenly yo’ ass hear, “I’m open on lane 2!” ‘n da muthas behind yo’ ass quickly scoot they gargantuan carts right over there, leaving yo’ ass last in line ‘n shit. Yo’ ass wuz in line before ’em, yet these muthas gots go first ‘n shit. This would never happen if gatts wuz sold at grocery stores.”

COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG

(www.cockneyizer.com/)

You’re standin’ in the checkout line wiv yer little basket ov toothpaste, potatoes, Day and Night bulbs and tuna, Isle of Wight in the Hey Diddle Diddle ov a line ov Jack’s people. Suddenly yew hear, “I’m open on lane 2!” and the blokes behind yew quickly scoot their gargantuan carts Isle of Wight Kent and Dover there, leavin’ yew Present and Past in line. Yew were in line before them, yet these blokes got ter Scapa Fla Damien Hirst. This would never happen if ‘ot cross buns were sold at grocery stores.

MR T.

(http://firefly.sparse.org/~mrt/)

Some Faceman ‘re standing in the crazy checkout line with your little basket of toothpaste, potatoes, light bulbs and tuna, right in the crazy middle of a line of five people. Suddenly Hannibal hear, “Mr.T’m open on lane 2!” and some people behind some T quickly scoot their gargantuan carts right over there, leaving Hannibal last in line. No, fool! U were in line before them, yet these people got to go first. Dis would never happen if guns were sold at grocery stores. What you talkin’ ’bout, fool!?! I don’t remember none of that!

JAR JAR BINKS

(www.hit-n-run.com/jarjar.html)

You-sa’re stand’in in the checkout line with your little basket of toothpaste, potatoes, light bulbs an’ tuna, right in the middle of line of five Gungans. Suddenly you-sa hear, “Mee-sa’m open on lane 2!” an’ the Gungans behind you-sa quickly scoot their gargantuan carts right over there, leav’in you-sa last in line. You-sa were in line before them, yet these Gungans got to go first. This would nev-a happen if blast-as were sold at grocery stores.

PORNO

(www.pornolize.com/)

You’re sucking in the checkout line with your little basket of toothpaste, ballbusts, light bulbs and tuna, right in the wanking middle of a smacking line of five people. Suddenly you hear, “I’m open on lane 2!” and the people behind you quickly scoot their gargantuan sucks right over there, leaving you last in line. You were in line before them, yet these people got to go first. Buttlapps would never happen if guns were sold at grocery thrusts.

Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com


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