‘Friend’ is not a four-letter word | AspenTimes.com

‘Friend’ is not a four-letter word

I guess I have to be the one to tell you that this whole idea of bed buddies doesn’t work.You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all been there with that friend you’d like to … fool around with. I know it’s natural to get a little curious about that pal of yours after about 14 drinks or 14 years. Maybe you haven’t gotten any action in a while and that friend is looking pretty good all of a sudden. You might be a little desperate or lonely, so you look at them and go, “I never thought of you like this before, but, why not?” Honey, spare yourself. You cross that line and the box has been pried wide open, so to speak.One time I had a roommate named Don who, suffice it to say, was the farthest thing from my type. For starters, Don is a Republican. He’s the quintessential white male: tall, balding and just slightly overweight, with a southern twang even though he spent his entire life in southern California. Still, he was handsome in a masculine kind of way, with warm brown eyes and nice skin. All the women he dated while I knew him were beautiful and sweet. Everyone knows seeing a guy with hot chicks is the best way to light a match under the butt of the competitive female and ignite the flame of interest that otherwise may never have existed. Don could cook and surf, and loved to take care of me, following me around the kitchen and closing all the cabinet doors I left open or keeping track of my keys and my wallet so I didn’t have to tear the house apart looking for them when I was already 10 minutes late. After I found out my hot firefighter/surfer guy had at least three other girlfriends, Don started looking real good. One night I tripped over my shoelace and ended up in bed with him. We still had our clothes on and were lying there kissing and I’m thinking, “That’s strange. He doesn’t seem to be aroused yet.” That’s when he whispers in my ear, “It might be small, but I know what to do with it.”Let’s just say it goes down in my personal history as the Biggest Turnoff Ever. I could hardly look at him after that, especially after my friend dubbed him “Little Dick Don.”For women, what separates a friend from a lover is the whole lack of sexual attraction thing. Sleeping with the person isn’t going to change that. It’s only going to make it worse, especially when you get all up close and personal with their hairy back/bad breath/gross kissing techniques. Go ahead and ask yourself: Do I really want to see this person naked? Because once you do, I guarantee you will not be able to shake the image from your head, whether you liked what you saw or not. Men don’t really care what you call it, as long as they think the opportunity to get laid might present itself. Men are very achievement-oriented. They’re all about the chase, or the hunt, the end result of getting-girl-into-bed. To them, a conquest is a conquest is a conquest. For us gals, it’s not about getting a guy into bed (that’s the easy part), but how long they’ll stay. We assume we are going to be the best lover you’ve ever had. Imagine our dismay when we’re slammed against the wall of once-is-enough-for-him reality. The next thing you know we’ve busted out the hand mirror so we can view ourselves from every possible angle, looking for what possibly went wrong. It’s a good thing my dog can’t talk, because he has seen me in all kinds of compromised positions, trying to see myself just so. There is nothing worse than the guy who is telling you what a great friend you are when he’s trying to take your clothes off, or worse, when he’s putting his clothes back on. News flash: it’s going to end badly. I mean, talk about having your cake and eating it too. This way the guy gets all the benefits without having to actually give anything. See, it only took me like 30 years to figure that one out, but I’m smarter now!The worst offenders are the guys who break up with their girlfriends and after two weeks of not getting laid call them and say something like, “I really miss you. I want for us to be friends.” What they really want is to be friends who fool around, so they can retain all the benefits of having a girlfriend without being attached. Nothing makes a person more desperate and irrational than getting dumped, so they’ll jump right in, so to speak. Just don’t be annoyed when the tears start flowing. I swear, the Roaring Fork River is only there on account of all the agony brought on by Aspen men.I recently hooked up with a friend who, after 10 years of telling me I’m “like his little sister” decided he wanted to jump my bones. He’s a producer and was in New York City the same time I was for the screening of his new movie. I’m not really sure what changed, other than my waistline (I lost 20 pounds since the last time we saw each other). “I’m just so attracted to you,” he crooned. “You look so beautiful.” Then he had to ruin it by adding, “You should be flattered I feel that way.” I asked him the question I should have started asking 20 years ago: “Wouldn’t that be confusing?” He said no, it wouldn’t. “I’m feeling pretty detached these days,” was the best he could come up with.I told him what I’m telling all of you: In case you haven’t noticed, “friend” is not a four-letter word.The Princess isn’t sure who is scarier, vegetarians or the Scientologists. Loving e-mails only can be sent to alison@berkleymedia.com

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