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For all your shopping needs…

Janet Urquhart

Ever wonder who goes Christmas shopping in Aspen? Me neither.It’s hard to take anything made in pink or mink seriously, but somebody out there must be buying the knitted-mink poncho I spied on the “must-haves” list in one of those glossy local mags.If you absolutely must buy something in the suddenly fave shade of pink for that someone special on your Christmas list, may I suggest Pepto-bismol? She’ll need it after she finds out what you spent on the mink version of that ’60s fashion mishap, the poncho.And, you can get it at Carl’s. In fact, anyone who’s feeling a little priced out of the holiday spirit in the land of largesse could fulfill all of their gift-giving needs at Carl’s. Where else in Aspen can you do this kind of one-stop shopping – Viagra and condoms, real beer and fake barf, hairdryers and Rogaine?You’ve gotta love a store that combines a liquor outlet with a pharmacy.After careful research, I think I can safely say you can find something for everyone on your Christmas list at Carl’s. Check it out:• For the hirsute: The Delux Klipette nose-hair trimmer, $15. • The rebel punk: Manic Panic semi-permanent hair color cream in a variety of shades, including Electric Lizard, Bad Boy Blue, Deadly Nightshade, Electric Banana and an Aspen favorite, Virgin Snow. One jar: $10.75. The look on grandma’s face: priceless.• The chocoholic: The Russell Stover Assortment. Two pounds, 6 ounces for $24.99. Stocking stuffer: Neutrogena Anti-Cellulite Treatment, $24.39.• The unsure of foot: Yaktrax Walker shoe-traction devices, $19.95; and the Champion Strap Arm Sling with shoulder pad, $16.95.• The voyeur: Navir Super 40T binoculars, $12.79.• The exhibitionist: Transparent shower curtain by Sultan’s Linens, $6.99.• The artist: The Etch A Sketch, from the World Famous Ohio Art Co., $19.99.• The compulsively clean: Mr. Bubble in wacky watermelon or original, $2.99 for 16 ounces; Big Rubber Duck, $11.99.• The indecisive: Papermate Pink Pearl premium rubber eraser, 69 cents.• The Christian: Dashboard Jesus (Enlightenment on a Spring!) for $3.99. This gift is not suitable for children under 36 months of age, but they really shouldn’t be driving anyway.• The flatulent: The self-inflating Woopee Cushion with a “big sound” for $3.99 – so they can blame it on something else.• The lonely: Pocket solitaire, $13.99 (battery not included).• The recluse: No Trespassing sign, 79 cents. Keep Out sign, also 79 cents.• The directionless: Coleman liquid-filled pocket compass, $9.99.• Mr. Commando: Fruit of the Loom 3-pack of cotton briefs, $9.99. For the Commandess, 3-pack of briefs for $5.99 (hers must be briefer).• The jazz singer: Kiwi black shoe polish, $3.99. (Also works for the night stalker.)• The riverboat captain: The original corncob pipe from the Missouri Meerschaum Co., $5.99.• The needy/insecure: Two Binky pacifiers by Playtex, $6.19.Janet Urquhart is getting herself the Santa hat for $4.99. Her e-mail address is janet@aspentimes.com