Conveniently placed around Aspen, in case you haven’t noticed, are dispensers of dog poop bags. The idea is that when Fido drops off yesterday’s Alpo in the park, on the trail or in a flower bed, you, the responsible dog owner, scoop it up in the bag and deposit it in the nearest trash receptacle. I know it sounds like I’m stating the obvious, but based on my observation this concept still isn’t fully understood. Especially the last step, which I would think would be the easiest.Earlier this week I found two such doggie doo bags, nice and full, in my yard. They weren’t on my porch, on fire, so I know it wasn’t meant as a personal attack. They were way in the corner of the yard, next to the street.I hate to be the one to break this news, but there isn’t a truck that comes around to do regular doo-doo bag pickups. It seems to me if you are going to go through the gag-inducing trouble of doing the scooping, that tossing it in a trash can would be the easy part. Otherwise, why bother?Hey, at least if it’s on the ground it will eventually dissolve into the soil, or find it’s way onto the bottom of my shoe, where it will then be evenly distributed across my lawn, sidewalk and carpet. But by bagging it up and leaving it you are preventing it from completing its natural cycle. What, are you preserving it for future generations? Are you concerned that there’ll be no dog crap around for your grandkids to enjoy? I’ve also seen these bulging poop pouches alongside trails, sometimes just a few feet from trash cans. But, in true NIMBY fashion, when they start showing up in my yard, that’s just too much. I am so sick of raking up dog piles from my yard, and now I’m expected to do the same with prepackaged poo? Well, I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GONNA RAKE IT ANYMORE!As I walked across the yard with a doodie sack in each hand (obviously this person either had one BIG dog, or two regular-sized ones with synchronized digestive cycles), several seemingly random thoughts all coalesced in an instant; I remembered reading about “Pet Bakeries,” actual stores that sell nothing but fresh-baked treats for your fuzzy companion; I remembered that nothing seems to fascinate a dog quite like the byproducts of another dog; and I remembered the cake decorating demonstration I saw recently, and how the pastry chef showed how easy it is to make an icing dispenser out of a simple plastic bag.Simple plastic bag? I was holding two of them at that moment. And if I were to decorate a cake for a dog, what better thing to use than the stuff these bags were currently loaded with – the stuff that drives dogs so crazy they often put their nose right up to the source?So here’s my plan: I buy a box of Milk Bones, crush them up and mix them in with a box of yellow cake mix, follow the directions and ta-da … a wonderful dog cake. Cut a small corner from the poopie bag and, squeezing out a fine stream, write “Happy Birthday Fifi.” That’ll be $75, please. A little more if you want decorative words from additional dogs. I like to think that when life hands me lemons, I make lemonade … with just a hint of dog crap.And whoever it is that left me that fine gift on my lawn, the one that launched an idea that will surely make me rich: If you’re reading this, I have made a very special cake just for you. It says “THANK YOU” in a rich, chocolate icing.Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com
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Tuesday morning at Bone’s Barber Shop in Basalt, the seating appropriately spaced, the congenial ambiance welcoming as always, and the conversations all over the place. It was cold outside and some overflow people were waiting…