Dachshund Doggerel | AspenTimes.com

Dachshund Doggerel

Su Lum

When the monsoon season startedI was first elated, then disheartenedwhen my dachshund puppies balked,peering outside with disdain.We will not wee-wee in the rain.You can wee-wee on the porch,you can piddle on the decks.But if you piss upon the bedI will break your little necks.Your histrionics are in vain,we will not wee-wee in the rain.Here, under the boughsof the blue spruce tree,a nice, dry, perfect place to pee!Bribe us with filet and champagnebut we will not wee-wee in the rain.You can piddle on the doormat,you can pootie in the shed,but excrete upon my sheetsand you will wish that you were dead.With due respect for your domainwe cannot promise to refrain,for we conscientiously objectto peeing in the rain.I can scream ’til I turn bluewhile I’m cleaning up their poobut there’s nothing I can gainbecause we sure as hell aren’t going todo it in the rain.I vent my strong frustration,at their stubborn urinationquirks – mention castrationbut even that’s in vain.We draw the line where we abstainand we will NOT wee-wee in the rain.One flies one way, one another,and of course it is the otherwho escapes, the brotherwho succeeds in squatting on the floor.We do not mean to cause you painbut must we say it yet again?We will not wee-wee in the rain.So it goes for days and days,I threaten them, cajole and shout,while the pups dig in their heels and pout until at lastthe sun comes out.But come the next stormI know I’ll hear that old refrain,We will not wee-wee in the rain.Su Lum is a longtime local who still prefers deluge to drought and puppy pee to the leaking roofs of yore. This column appears every Wednesday in The Aspen Times.

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