Clinton was a lying weasel
Bill Clinton: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”George Bush: “We do not torture.”Boy, that Bill Clinton. What a liar. What a despicable little weasel!You know what he was trying to do, don’t you? He was trying to wriggle off the hook by playing word games.His point – though it was so pathetically laughable that no one paid any attention to it – was that “sexual relations” means “sexual intercourse.” So, in Slick Willie’s world, the sex he had with “that woman” crouched under his desk was not “sexual relations.”So he wasn’t lying.Except, of course, he was. And everybody knew it.What a jerk.We all know what “sex” is. We weren’t going to put up with him fiddling around, playing word games, trying to make us think we didn’t know what he was up to. We weren’t fooled.He deserved everything that happened to him. And if the rest of the world laughed at us for being narrow-minded, blue-nosed Puritans who’d impeach our president for sexual misconduct – well, they missed the point.It wasn’t his sexual misconduct that we objected to. It was his pathetic lies.Now, when George Bush says, “We do not torture,” he – unlike that weasel Clinton – isn’t lying. It’s all a question of what the word “torture” means.Sure, you may think you know what “torture” means. Something along the lines of “inflicting severe physical pain or mental anguish.”Based on that simple-minded definition, well, sure, we torture. Not much doubt about that.But, you see, George Bush is president – and, by the way, you’re not. So he, clever chap that he is, could get his boys to whip up a new definition of “torture.”Under the new definition, “torture” means causing pain “equivalent in intensity to the pain accompanying serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death.” Mental anguish doesn’t even enter into it.If it doesn’t kill you, it’s not torture.Ta-da! Bush wasn’t lying. We don’t torture … by the new, official definition.(Well, actually, we do. A number of Iraqis have been beaten to death during interrogations. But let’s just put that down to a few overenthusiastic “bad apples” and move on.)So now Porter Goss, the head of Bush’s CIA, can go on television, look the world straight in the eye, and repeat, “We don’t torture.”And when the interviewer asks him about “water-boarding” – in which a prisoner is tied down and has water poured on his face until he thinks he’s drowning – Goss can repeat, “We don’t torture. We don’t violate the law.” And he’s telling the truth. The president officially approved water-boarding because, based on his new definition, it’s not torture. So it’s not illegal.It’s all so cool!(And never mind the fact that a U.S. soldier was court-martialed for water-boarding a Viet Cong prisoner in 1968. Or that a U.S. Army major was sent to jail for 10 years for water-boarding a prisoner during the Spanish-American War. That was all so long ago.)And if the entire world is horrified that the “shining city on the hill,” the beacon of freedom and human rights, is torturing people – well, they’re missing the point.It’s not “torture.” Look it up.And here’s the coolest thing of all: That pathetic lying weasel Clinton wasn’t as smart as he thought he was.All those Democrat liberals like to brag about how smart Slick Willie was – but he wasn’t nearly as smart as President George.Clinton tried to torture words and get them to mean what he wanted them to mean. But torture doesn’t work. Torture is evil.Clever George doesn’t need to torture words. He just redefines them.Or, as Humpty Dumpty explained to Alice during her wanderings in Wonderland, “When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.”Of course, if we stop to think, we may remember that Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.And if Slick Willie got what he had coming, well, maybe someday Sick Georgie will get what he has coming too.And how cool would that be?Andy Stone is former editor of The Aspen Times. His e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org
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Vignettes of life in the valley. Some you may have heard; hopefully, others will be new.