Caution: Mixing text can be punny | AspenTimes.com

Caution: Mixing text can be punny

Barry Smith

I’m thinking of the science fiction classic “The Fly,” where the scientist gets into the transportation chamber in order to have his molecules scrambled and then reassembled in the chamber across the room. The only problem is, unbeknownst to him a fly enters the chamber with him, and upon reassembly their atoms are fused seamlessly together causing him to become, as the title sorta suggests, The Fly.

I imagine the same thing happening with seemingly nonrelated bits of text. If I actually had one of those transportation chambers (well, I do have an old one, I just can’t find parts for it), I would probably do something like this with it:

—–

The Pledge of Allegiance MEETS Instructions on the public restroom hot air hand dryer:

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands. Push button, rub hands gently under God, with liberty and justice for all. Turns off automatically.

—–

Recommended Stories For You

Condom package MEETS the latest MacMall computer catalog:

Contains one latex condom: lubricated, reservoir tip, 800 MHz G4 processor, 1MB DDR L3 cache, 1280 x 854 Hi-res display, DVI digital video out. Electronically tested for reliability. All-in-one design. Kimono Micro Thin condoms are an effective means of preventing pregnancy when properly used, although no contraception can guarantee 100% protection, these rack-optimized servers offer phenomenal processing power, jaw-dropping storage capacity and remote management tools. When used properly latex condoms will help to reduce the risk of transmission of HIV infection (AIDS) and real-time, render-free video effects. Caution: this product contains natural rubber latex, which may cause allergic reactions and superior 3D graphics acceleration.

—–

Hamlet, Act 4, Scene 1 MEETS the guy who always says “in bed” after people read the contents of their fortune cookie:

SCENE I. A room in the castle in bed.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN in bed

KING CLAUDIUS

There’s matter in these sighs, these profound heaves in bed:

You must translate: ’tis fit we understand them in bed.

Where is your son? In bed?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Bestow this place on us a little while in bed.

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

Ah, my good lord, what have I seen to-night in bed!

KING CLAUDIUS

What, Gertrude? How does Hamlet in bed?

QUEEN GERTRUDE (in bed)

Mad as the sea and wind, when both contend

Which is the mightier in bed: in his lawless fit,

Behind the arras hearing something stir in bed,

Whips out his rapier, cries, ‘A rat, a rat in bed!’

And, in this brainish apprehension, kills

The unseen good old man. In bed.

—–

America the Beautiful MEETS actual Christian punk band names:

O beautiful for Blender Head,

For amber waves of Fish Stix,

For purple mountain Five Iron Frenzy

Above the fruited Lugnut!

America! Hangnail!

God shed his grace on thee

And crown thy good with Noggintoboggan

From sea to shining sea!

—–

Preamble to the Constitution MEETS names of sport utility vehicles:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Lincoln Navigator, establish Range Rover, insure domestic Ford Excursion, provide for the common Buick Rendezvous, promote the general Jeep Grand Cherokee, and secure the Blessings of Chevy Trailblazer to ourselves and our Isuzu Axiom, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Pontiac Aztek.

—–

John 10:1-11 (King James Version) MEETS subject lines of SPAM e-mail that I have received in the past few months:

[1] Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, shall Spice Up The Bedroom. Add 1-3 inches NOW!

[2] But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep.

[3] To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, Say Goodbye To Yellow Stained Teeth!!!

[4] And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and Before You Write Your Next Prescription for Urinary Incontinence, Consider This …

[5] And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the Pill to Increase Your Ejaculation by 581%.

[6] This parable spake Jesus unto them: ALABAMA MAN MAKES $1,341.82 His First Week!

[7] Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I Woke Up From My Obesity Nightmare.

[8] All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them.

[9] I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall receive A FREE Embroidered Patriotic Checkbook Cover.

[10] The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have Bigger, Fuller Breasts Naturally In Just Weeks, and that they might have it more abundantly.

[11] I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep. Barry, Animals In Action!!