Bombarded by heaps of bull
If you’ve ever been torpedoed by bird splash on your shoulder or on your sunglasses from seemingly out of nowhere, then you have an inkling of what it’s like to be bombarded by bullshit. We seem to get it all the time around here, but lately the Basalt 7-Eleven shooting incident and the recent objection of the Aspen Cycling Club (“New wilderness would close bike trails,” Aug. 1) to more local wilderness designations brings it all to the forefront, simply because it reads something like a bad dream.In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll admit that I haven’t been in a 7-Eleven for eight or nine years, simply because they refuse to stock single cans of Pepsi. This appears to be a fortunate coincidence, as I wouldn’t go in there anymore, anyway, because they failed to back up their employee, Bruno Kirchenwitz, who appears to have become a dispensable pawn in the corporate world’s focus on greed – forget the cross-cultural violence part of the formula.Likewise, I haven’t ridden my bike for a couple of summers because some otherwise-focused woman tried to take me out with her van, literally sticking me to its hood in some poorly copped version of a plastic Jesus, all because she failed to heed a stop sign and collided with me full bore. So I don’t particularly care whether the Aspen Cycling Club can hang onto its bandit trails around Hunter Creek and Smuggler in the face of impending wilderness designation.Kirchenwitz thinks the first “person of interest” in the 7-Eleven shooting should have been arrested for making verbal threats. Basalt Chief Ikeda says he couldn’t charge the man with “menacing” because Kirchenwitz wasn’t intimidated. Tell me true, is menacing really menacing, or does the law require a psychological determination of intimidation by law-enforcement before menacing becomes a credible charge? You see what I mean about bullshit?Not to be topped, however, Aspen Cycling Club vice-president Erik Skarvan (a relative newcomer, apparently) is claiming a 20-year tradition of mountain biking in the Hunter Creek-Smuggler area. In the scheme of things, Erik, 20 years wouldn’t make a wrinkle on the elephant’s ass of time wilderness has cried out for protection (or the more than 100 years horses have been gliding across Hunter Creek’s soil), but perhaps that’s too obvious a comparison. This Skarvan is the same guy, if memory serves, who decried the possibility of licensed outfitter horses on Government Trail because in his twisted view of reality, the trail was “sacred ground” for bicyclists. Did Skarvan and Sun Dog Athletics surreptitiously take over our trail system when we weren’t looking? And is Skarvan’s threat of becoming a “bandit” himself supposed to quake our beings with fear?Before we forget 7-Eleven and Kirchenwitz, what’s this nonsense about having Bruno take a lie detector test for some nondescript radio show in Denver, a “talkie” which apparently has tried to shed some air on the debacle while inadvertently adding its own foul stench? Kirchenwitz proudly says he “aced” the test. What could that reasonably mean? If you’ve ever read up on lie detectors, the best that can be said about them is that they’re about as accurate as urinating into the wind.And the show over at Skarvan’s bike jamboree continues. Doesn’t he do that for profit? Off of public land considered for wilderness designation? His view toward wilderness seems to parallel that of George W. Bush – envision all you want – just don’t mess with my vision. Unfortunately, Skarvan’s partisan voice is self-serving rather than enhancing. Ditto, 7-Eleven.Illegal is illegal, boys and girls. Time to put on the tall boots.Tony Vagneur has an ear for bullshit, as well as an occasional voice for it. Read him here every Saturday and send comments to email@example.com.CORRECTIONTony Vagneurs column in the Saturday, Aug. 4, edition of The Aspen Times, contained misinformation. Vagneurs column implied that Aspen resident Erik Skarvan, owner of Sun Dog Athletics, is licensed to do business on U.S. Forest Service trails in the Hunter Creek-Smuggler Mountain and Government areas. Skarvan actually is not permitted to conduct business on USFS trails in the Hunter Creek-Smuggler area.(This correction was published Aug. 14 in The Aspen Times.)
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