Blowing in on the Wind of Destruction |

Blowing in on the Wind of Destruction

Barry SmithThe Aspen TimesAspen, CO Colorado

And after these things I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth Revelation 7:1The Stars of the Apocalypse series continues with todays one-on-one chat with The Fifth Wind Of Destruction.Irrelativity: Thanks for joining us on such short notice.Fifth Wind Of Destruction: Hey, no problem. I had some other appointments, but I blew them off so I could be here. I: Well, we appreciate your efforts. Now, according to the Book of RevelaFW: Get it? I blew them off? Blew? Ha!I: Oh, I see. You being a Wind Of Destruction and all, you would FW: And if you think Im bad, you should meet my girlfriend, Gail. HA! Get it? Gale?I: Clever. So, in reading over the Book of Revelation, the book of the New Testament most associated with the forthcoming Apocalypse, in fact one might even say that its THE authority on all things Apocalypse, Im noticing that there are only FOUR Winds Of Destruction mentioned.FW: Well, look, back in those days there wasnt nearly as much stuff to destroy. I mean, you had your little clay huts and a few horses, the occasional big block wall, that was about it. These days you got skyscrapers and sport utility vehicles, and those arent so easy to destroy.I: So you were called in to help?FW: Well, I wasnt so much called in. You see, me and the guys (Four Winds Of Destruction) go way back, even back to the days when we were young, gentle breezes. In fact, I was one of the original Four Winds, but I had to step down for a while because of some health complications. But now Im back and ready to mix it up, ya know what Im saying? Boom!I: Indeed. Ive spoken with three of the Four Winds in previous interviews, and not one of them has made any mention of you. In fact, on several occasions I asked them specifically if there were any other Winds I should know about, and the answer always was an emphatic no.FW: Yeah, well Im kinda like a secret weapon, ya know? Like when the time comes for us to do our thing and a third of the sea becomes blood and the locusts swarms are in full swing and the sun is blotted out and the people still left alive are all like, Whew, well, that was the last of the four winds of destruction, I was counting, so I guess we came out of this whole apocalypse thing OK and then when theyre gettin all cozy and thinkin theyre home free, then here I come. Boom!I: Shortly before our interview I received this press release from the PR firm of Melvin & Atwell, who represent the Four Winds Partnership. It states rather bluntly that there is no Fifth Wind Of Destruction and that anyone claiming such a title is in no way associated with Four Winds, Inc. or any of their subsidiaries.FW: Well, thats all part of the secret plan. You see I: It goes on to say, and let me just read from it directly, This faux Wind of Destruction is actually a Windbag of Deception, a sniveling little Apocalyptic wannabe that couldnt destroy a house of cards with a tennis racket. And theres a picture of you enclosed.FW: God dammmit!I: Well, I guess thats about it for our intervie OW! Hey, stop pinching me!FW: Hurts, doesnt it? Here, have another.I: Ow!FW: See? Now whos an Apocalyptic wannabe, eh? (At this point in the interview he gets up and puts me in headlock.) Woe, woe, woe to those who dwell on the earth! Boom!I: Mmpfff FW: Oh, want me to let you go, do you? Well, just say, Youre a Wind of Destruction.I: Blow me (tightens headlock). OWW! OK, OK! Youre a Wind of Destruction FW: Louder.I: YOURE A WIND OF DESTRUCTION! FW: Damn straight. And youre first on my list when it all hits the fan, punk.(NEXT TIME: My dinner with the Antichrist!)Barry Smiths column appears Mondays in The Aspen Times.

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