Blog, blog, blog, blog, blog | AspenTimes.com

Blog, blog, blog, blog, blog

Barry Smith

I’ve been blogging for exactly six months now, and let me tell you, there is nothing more satisfying than documenting, in words and pictures, the minutiae of your life and having millions and millions of people ignore it on a daily basis.

On the administrative side of my blog there’s a feature that lets me track the number of hits I have per day, which page got how many views, which pictures were clicked on, and so on. So, theoretically, one could ” if one were low on self-control and high on ego ” waste a lot of precious time and energy checking up on who’s checking up on one’s blog, in some instances clicking on one’s blog more often than actual outside readers do. Theoretically, of course.

I read somewhere an estimate that every second someone creates a new blog. So, in the time it took you to read that last sentence, three new blogs sprung into existence, even more if you’re a slow reader or decided to go back and read it again. According to my research, there are 150 million blogs currently in existence worldwide. And when I say “research,” I mean that I typed “How many blogs are there” in a Google search window and clicked on the first entry that popped up. You know, research.

Which brings me to another very handy and addictive feature on my blog ” the “Search Engine Terms” section. If someone clicks on my page as a result of a search engine query, the words they used actually appear on my blog. So ” to use a real life example ” when someone typed “dimenhydrinate before dental treatment” into Google, my blog popped up as one of the results, they clicked on said result, were taken to my blog, then “dimenhydrinate before dental treatment” got logged in the Search Engine Terms section.

Leaving me to wonder, as I obsessively check my blog stats throughout the day, what people doing certain searches thought once they wound up on my little blog. Sure, there’s a fun, random element to Internet searching ” you start out searching for “Beatles memorabilia,” and 10 minutes later you’re on a porn site ” but the above search was probably a serious inquiry made by someone being proactive about their medical care. They clicked on my site only to find a picture of me in the dental chair greedily sucking away on the nitrous mask. Helpful? You betcha.

I became fascinated with these search terms early on in my blogging career, and have kept a record of the best ones. Now I have enough to share. What follows are all 100 percent genuine searches that led the poor, unfortunate information seeker to me, where they were, in most cases, horribly disappointed.

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Let’s begin.

Since I’ve been blogging about my “Jesus In Montana” show, I get lots of visits from people looking for the Bible and Jesus-related stuff ” though probably not the kind I’m dishing out:

“jpg nice pictures of jesus”

“bible verse feet”

“jesus countdown”

“anxiety attack bible verses”

“my jesus mt saviour”

“bible verses’ ass”

“show pictures find Jesus”

“bible verse for managers”

And, easily the best one in this category: “a chant to summon the devil”

And a few of the obvious:

“sex jpg”

“jpg sex”

“crumb sex”

“aspen transvestites”

Here are some that just seem like very odd things to type into a search engine:

“pig going into green outhouse”

“i have a video butthole surfers”

“stuff to say to best friends”

Here’s one that, I’m pretty sure, did not leave the searcher disappointed to have been led to my site:

“Barry Smith is an asshole”

And finally, my two favorite searches for my first half-year of blogging:

“what to do if you burn my eyelashes”

And: “what is that stuff on my tongue”

If anything on my blog helped the person determine what the stuff was on their tongue, it was purely by accident. Still, I’m glad I could help.

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