Barry Smith: What to do with all that turkey
December 2, 2002
By now you may very well have sat down to your 12th turkey-related meal since last Thursday, and you’re probably wondering what sort of gastrointestinal horror the rest of the week holds in store for you.
Or maybe you’re a vegetarian, in which case Tofurkey is no doubt starting to wear a little thin.
Whatever your situation, it’s clear that desperate measures are in order. And, lucky for you, I have just the thing … a desperate measuring tape.
Today I’d like to share with you some of my family’s sure-fire leftover recipes. These innovative culinary delights have been a part of my life since childhood, which is why you can usually find me hiding in the attic as Thanksgiving approaches. But now I’ll never again have to cry out in darkness alone. Enjoy.
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1 recently completed sculpting class
1 qt. leftover gravy per diner
1 handful of mashed potatoes per diner
6-pack of beer
Unlike many “humorous” recipes that instruct you to consume alcohol as the meal preparation progresses, this one requires you to drink all the beer now. If there’s any more alcohol in the house, you may want to have it standing by. This is necessary in order to connect you with the Muse of Food Sculpting.
Using the skill you have gained from your community college course in Beginning Sculpting, throw a pile of mashed potatoes on a plate and begin to form it in the shape of the person who will be eating it. Lumpy mashed potatoes work best when sculpting lumpy people.
Using the gravy, which is essentially nothing more than congealed fat and flour at this point, add eyes, hair, noses and other features that will make your figurines spring to life. (NOTE: If the figurines actually DO spring to life and, say, begin to threaten you with a fondue fork, back off slightly on the alcohol.)
Summon the clan and watch their faces light up as they exclaim with glee, “Did you wash your hands before making this?”
1 turkey carcass
Paper plates (optional)
Place rapidly decaying carcass in center of table. If you are still feeling festive, put down a paper plate for each person.
Tell your family that dinner is served. When they have seated themselves, announce in a loud, triumphant, game-show-hostlike voice that it is Carcass Night, and that this is all the food that is in the house, no more potatoes, no more stuffing, no more nothing, and if they want any nourishment tonight, they had better grab ahold of Mr. Carcass before someone else does and begin to gnaw for their very lives. Remind them that marrow is rich in protein.
WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME LEFTOVER JUBILEE
1 turkey carcass
1 unbending faith in a higher power
1 dogmatic set of systems, procedures and rules
2 pieces of wood, about 2 feet long
1 piece of twine, any length
1 loaf bread
1 jar mayonnaise
1 jar pickles, kosher
Using the wood and twine, construct a makeshift cross. Drive it into the ground in a prominent location, preferably atop a hill. Affix the leftover turkey carcass to the cross using the nails. Fall down on your knees and thank your higher power of choice for sacrificing His/Her only begotten turkey so that you may have everlasting leftovers.
Remove bits of the turkey and place them between pieces of bread. Add mayo to taste. Say aloud, “This I do in remembrance of you. Could someone pass the pickles?” Prepare to be persecuted by heathens and nonbelievers.
(Next Time: Ptomaine ? It’s the new botulism.)
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