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Barry Smith: The songs of the season

I love Christmas, because Christmas means Christmas songs, and Christmas songs mean the chance to put new words to the tunes that have been drilled into me since birth. And I mean “drilled” in a cozy, festive, fa la la la la la la la sort of way.

Have a Hilly Billy Christmas

(Tune of “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas”)



Have a hilly billy Christmas;

It’s a dang good time of year




Giggin’ frogs in your overalls

And your pickup filled with beer

Have a hilly billy Christmas;

Before you eat your Christmas squirrel

Bow your head and give your thanks

To Jesus and Minnie Pearl

Oh, ho, the mistletoe

We all think it’s aw-sum;

It’s the secret ingredient

In Grandma’s Yuletide possum.

Have a hilly billy Christmas

And in case y’all didn’t hear

The football game is startin’

Woman, get me a beer.

I’ll Be Stoned For Christmas

(Tune of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”)

I’ll be stoned for Christmas;

You can count on me.

Please have chips and salsa dips

And a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

Christmas Eve will find me

Watching old cartoons.

Yes, I’ll be stoned for Christmas

Just like I’ve been since June.

O Christmas Tree

(Tune of, surprisingly enough, “O Christmas Tree”)

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree!

How are thy leaves so verdant!

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

I should probably look up “verdant!”

This song is lame as it can be

I’m singing to a goddamn tree

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

I hope no one is looking!

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

I bought you in a parking lot!

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

That takes some of the mystique out of you!

This song is worse than a tour of ‘Nam

At least I don’t call you a “Tannenbaum”

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

I still don’t know what “verdant” means!

I’m Dreaming of a Whitey Christmas

(Tune of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”)

I’m dreaming of a Whitey Christmas

In an Aryan sort of way

I’m not in the Klan

Though I dig on their plan

Please don’t misconstrue what I say

I’m dreaming of a Whitey Christmas

With every racial slur I write

May your race be pure and bright

And convince yourself your ancestors were white

Driving in a Winter Wonderland

(Tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland”)

Horns are honking, are you listening?

On the snow, headlights glisten

I speed through the night

I’m ridin’ my brights

Driving in a winter wonderland

Gone away is the sidewalk

Here to stay is the car park

Using your feet

Is so obsolete

Driving in a winter wonderland

In the meadow we’ll run down a snowman

The kids will say that we are a disgrace

They’ll ask if we’re sorry, we’ll say, “No, man”

“Frosty’s clearly in my parking space.”

Christmas time is a bummer

If you’re not in a Hummer

We’re gasoline whores

We love the “outdoors”

By driving in a winter wonderland

Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com.


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