Barry Smith: Sweet satisfaction from crossing it off |

Barry Smith: Sweet satisfaction from crossing it off

Barry Smith

The To Do List is my guiding light, my muse, my raison d’être. For instance, among the many items on today’s list is, “Use ‘raison d’être’ in a written sentence, even though I’d never actually say it out loud.” Now I get to cross that off my list, which, as you fellow To Doers know, is really where the magic of the To Do list lives. The crossing off. Ahhhh, such sweet satisfaction.

Another item on today’s list is: “Write column about the To Do Lists of famous people ” try to make it funny.” And you can bet that when I’m done with this, I’m gonna run upstairs immediately, close the door and start crossing off.

Elvis’s To Do List:

1. Money

2. Show

3. Get ready

4. Go, cat, go

5. Call Bacon-of-the-Month Club re: becoming a “Platinum” member

Judas Iscariot’s To Do List:

1. 30 pieces of silver ” high-yield savings or invest? Call CPA

2. Call Thomas re: bowling on Sunday ” doubt if he’ll make it ” probably already has Easter plans

3. Sympathy card for J.C. ” “Sorry I Betrayed You” or “Get Resurrected Soon”

4. Pawn apostle ring

Leonardo da Vinci’s To Do List:

1. Mona Sally? Mona Tiffany? Must come up with title soon! Leaning towards Mona Bona Bo Bona, Banana Bana Fo Fana Lisa

2. Call community college, re: not available to teach finger-painting class

Hitler’s To Do List:

1. Buy Valentine’s flowers for Eva

2. Play with cute, cuddly puppy

3. Genocide

4. Barber ” consider mutton chops

5. Massage ” 2 p.m.

Muhammad Ali’s To Do List:

1. “Float like a butterfly, sting like hydrogen peroxide applied to a freshly skinned knee” ” memorize that in time for Cosell interview this Friday

2. “I am the most above-average fighter of all time!” ” too boastful? Work on it.

Buddha’s To Do List:

1. Get comfy chair ” one with lumbar support

2. Talk to neighbor about goddamn yappy dog

3. All life is suffering, but this itchy robe has GOT to go

John Wayne’s To Do List:

1. Need good catch phrase ” Pilgrim? Quaker? Mennonite?

2. Cowboy hat or propeller beanie? Must consult with agent.

3. Not saying I AM a transvestite, but if I was, would that limit my career options? Must consult with agent.

Thomas Edison’s To Do List:

1. Invent phonograph

2. Invent movie camera

3. Invent light bulb

4. Thursday night ” Overachievers Anonymous meeting ” bring brownies ” and guacamole ” and folding chairs

Aspen Comedy Fest Comedian’s To Do List:

1. Make joke about how hard it is to breathe in Aspen

2. Make joke about how little moisture there is in the air in Aspen, requiring hydration and subsequent excessive urination ” HA!

3. Make joke about number of rich people in Aspen

4. Make joke about how much things cost in Aspen

5. Make joke about number of black people in Aspen

6. Wait for laughter to die down

Barry Smith’s column runs every Monday in The Aspen Times.