Barry Smith: Remedies for everything
WHO WOULD EVER HAVE GUESSED?
* Ketchup removes stains from white clothing. Well, not “removes” exactly, but it will take some of the attention away from the ones that aren’t made of ketchup.
* Pam cooking spray will dry fingernail polish and speed up the destruction of the ozone layer. A world without an ozone layer is a world where nail polish dries quickly. You can’t lose.
* Cool Whip will temporarily disguise melanoma.
* Mayonnaise will kill lice; it will also condition your hair. You should probably deal with the lice thing before you concern yourself with bouncin’ and behavin’ hair.
* Puffy eyes? Use Preparation H. Probably want to start with a new tube, though.
* Yappy neighborhood dog? Use an ordinary rock.
* Angry neighbor? Handgun.
* Heavy dandruff? Lucky you ” dandruff will remove ink from the face of dolls.
* Stinky feet? Mix Jell-O with WD-40 with Worcestershire Sauce with bleu cheese.
* Superpower nation invading your country for strategic political and economic gain under the guise of liberation, democracy and searching for nuclear weapons? Use cornstarch.
* Crayon on the wall? Colgate toothpaste.
* Toothpaste on the wall? Paint.
* Dirty grout? Napalm.
* Protein stains? Thrift store.
* Dirty meth lab? Cornstarch.
* Blood-stained clothes, hands, car, carpet, garage, foyer and basement? Use Pam cooking spray.
* Disposing of a body? Cornstarch.
* Kool-Aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle. Also cleans a toilet. Also picks lucrative stocks.
* Kool-Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint ” your kids will love it and it wont hurt them if they eat it. And if they eat it and vomit, it will clean the toilet.
* Premature ejaculation? Kool-Aid.
* Hiding income on tax return? Hair spray and milk of magnesia.
* Embalming a loved one? Clorox and two Bayer aspirin.
* Peanut butter? Will get scratches out of CDs! Will remove labels from glassware. Will back up your computer data.
* Gnawing guilt? Cornstarch.
* Break one or more of the Ten Commandments? Use Bounce fabric softener and two Efferdent tablets. And cornstarch.
* Unable to experience happiness despite surrounding yourself with all the material luxuries a modern life has to offer? Yep … cornstarch.
* To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with dingo excrement.
* Constipated dingo? Use Kool-Aid. Wait, or was it Cool Whip?
* Wine stains. Pour on the Morton and watch it absorb into the salt.
* Salt stains? Use cornstarch.
* Cornstarch stains? Use cornstarch.
* Sticking bicycle chain? Try peanut butter. Or Crisco. Or Pam cooking spray. Or Coca Cola. Or Kool-Aid. Or cornstarch. Or, here’s a crazy idea ” try some freakin’ bike chain lubricant!
* Chain lubricant stains? You’ll live.
Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com