Barry Smith: Remedies for everything |

Barry Smith: Remedies for everything


* Ketchup removes stains from white clothing. Well, not “removes” exactly, but it will take some of the attention away from the ones that aren’t made of ketchup.

* Pam cooking spray will dry fingernail polish and speed up the destruction of the ozone layer. A world without an ozone layer is a world where nail polish dries quickly. You can’t lose.

* Cool Whip will temporarily disguise melanoma.

* Mayonnaise will kill lice; it will also condition your hair. You should probably deal with the lice thing before you concern yourself with bouncin’ and behavin’ hair.

* Puffy eyes? Use Preparation H. Probably want to start with a new tube, though.

* Yappy neighborhood dog? Use an ordinary rock.

* Angry neighbor? Handgun.

* Heavy dandruff? Lucky you ” dandruff will remove ink from the face of dolls.

* Stinky feet? Mix Jell-O with WD-40 with Worcestershire Sauce with bleu cheese.

* Superpower nation invading your country for strategic political and economic gain under the guise of liberation, democracy and searching for nuclear weapons? Use cornstarch.

* Crayon on the wall? Colgate toothpaste.

* Toothpaste on the wall? Paint.

* Dirty grout? Napalm.

* Protein stains? Thrift store.

* Dirty meth lab? Cornstarch.

* Blood-stained clothes, hands, car, carpet, garage, foyer and basement? Use Pam cooking spray.

* Disposing of a body? Cornstarch.

* Kool-Aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle. Also cleans a toilet. Also picks lucrative stocks.

* Kool-Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint ” your kids will love it and it wont hurt them if they eat it. And if they eat it and vomit, it will clean the toilet.

* Premature ejaculation? Kool-Aid.

* Hiding income on tax return? Hair spray and milk of magnesia.

* Embalming a loved one? Clorox and two Bayer aspirin.

* Peanut butter? Will get scratches out of CDs! Will remove labels from glassware. Will back up your computer data.

* Gnawing guilt? Cornstarch.

* Break one or more of the Ten Commandments? Use Bounce fabric softener and two Efferdent tablets. And cornstarch.

* Unable to experience happiness despite surrounding yourself with all the material luxuries a modern life has to offer? Yep … cornstarch.

* To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with dingo excrement.

* Constipated dingo? Use Kool-Aid. Wait, or was it Cool Whip?

* Wine stains. Pour on the Morton and watch it absorb into the salt.

* Salt stains? Use cornstarch.

* Cornstarch stains? Use cornstarch.

* Sticking bicycle chain? Try peanut butter. Or Crisco. Or Pam cooking spray. Or Coca Cola. Or Kool-Aid. Or cornstarch. Or, here’s a crazy idea ” try some freakin’ bike chain lubricant!

* Chain lubricant stains? You’ll live.

Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is, and his very own Web page is at

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