Barry Smith: Irrelativity
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
(I am waiting in a DOCTOR’S OFFICE. I’m nervous, even though I’ve rehearsed what I’m about to say. Doctor’s offices always make me nervous, ever since I was a kid. But I’m here on a mission, and I have to remain calm. Here comes the doctor now, so I’d better stop typing this intro…)
DOCTOR: (Enters room with clipboard, sits down): Good morning, Mr…. Smith. Is that your real name? Smith?
ME: Ha ha, funny. Yeah, I get that a lot. Smith. Common name, right? Ha ha.
DR: Now then, what seems to be the problem?
(NOTE: Always start a speech with “ahem.” Learned that at Toastmasters.)
ME: Ahem, first of all, thank you very much. I do appreciate this opportunity to see you, and am most gracious for…
DR: Just relax and tell me why you’re here.
ME (Not at all relaxed): OK, um… I’ve been, well, self-medicating, uh, since college, and, well, what with, you know, it being legal and all now, um, I thought I’d take this chance to go legit.
DR: Self-medicating? How so?
ME: Yeah, like if I have a headache or something, I usually like to, well, have a little bit, and it seems to make me feel better. I can feel the results almost instantly. I mean, they’ve done studies that show…
DR: Why not just take aspirin?
ME: Well, yeah, that too, but the combination of the two really does a number on my headache. Anyway, I’m thinking that with a prescription I can not only avoid having to go through a dealer, but I could also have a go at growing some of my own.
DR: I see. So have you…?
ME: And OK, sure, I’ll admit, sometimes I use it to treat certain conditions, but other times I just kinda enjoy it. Is that so wrong?
DR: No, that sounds perfectly…
ME: No, I mean I enjoy it a lot. Every part of it, in fact. I like the smell of it, and the ritual, and I have all sorts of cool paraphernalia. And I find it can be awesome at all different times of the day. Sometimes I like to have it right after getting out of bed. Boom – first thing! Sometimes I have friends over in the afternoon and we all get totally high on it, and we laugh and giggle and eat cake. Sometimes I even have it after supper. But so what? Since when is changing your consciousness such a bad thing? And why do I have to hide it? I’m done feeling guilty about this!
DR: Mr. Smith…
ME: Stop calling me that! It’s not my real name. Isn’t feeling good healthy? So why wouldn’t something that makes you feel good be considered medicine? And I’ll even go a step further… it inspires me! Yeah, that’s right, when I use it I sometimes have insights and epiphanies and understandings that I may not otherwise have. People have been using this stuff for thousands of years for all sorts of reasons. It’s a plant, for God’s sake. It grows freely on the Earth! How can there be a law against a plant? It just doesn’t make any sense to me.
ME: Don’t interrupt! So, now that Colorado has FINALLY made it legal, I will not leave this office without my prescription for medicinal coffee!
DR: Mr. Smith, coffee has always been legal. You don’t need a prescription for it.
ME: You don’t? But it’s so good I though for sure it was illegal.
ME: Why did you let me go on and on like that, then?
DR: I thought you were looking for a prescription for medical marijuana.
ME: What? You can get a prescription for marijuana?
ME: Cool! Uh…I’ll take one of those, too, then.
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