Barry Smith: Irrelativity |

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Barry SmithThe Aspen TimesAspen, CO Colorado
Jordan Curet The Aspen Times
ALL | The Aspen Times

Two days after Thanksgiving – TWO DAYS! – I’m in the grocery store and I hear “Little Drummer Boy” blasting over the in-store stereo system. “Little Drummer Boy” is the “It’s a Small World” of Christmas songs – an evil tune with astounding staying power. Studies have shown that hearing it once a year puts you at risk of permanent psychological damage. Hearing it 10 times a year is a violation of the Geneva Convention. Having to hear it while you’re still digesting Thanksgiving leftovers is a crime against humanity.I know this won’t change. Christmas season starts when the last bite of green bean casserole is swallowed (or spat). Christmas music will not go away, I’ve accepted that. But if we have to have this music forced on us each year, couldn’t it at least be, you know, tolerable? Maybe even, and I know I’m going out on a limb here … enjoyable?With this in mind, I’ve taken a few of the more heinous Christmas standards and set them to the tune of songs that I actually wouldn’t mind hearing over and over again. Feel free to sing along.

Hey, hey, boy, said the way you drum,Gonna make me deaf, gonna make me dumbAh-ha child, the way you beat that thing,Can’t even hear the Herald Angels singHey, hey, drummer, when you play that way,That newborn king, gettin’ scared awayOh yeah, oh yeah, rum pum pum pumOh yeah, oh yeah, rum pum pum pumRootie toot toot, can’t stand still,Of your rummie tum tums, done had my fill.Gifts that gleam burnin’ red,Can’t get this song out of my headAh, ahhh, ah, ahhh, bah rum pum pum, etc…

Red Nose, my claim to fame,Christmas won’t never be the sameAll you brown noses, get outta my way, ‘Scuse me while I guide this sleigh!Red Nose, Blitzen’s acting strange,’Cause now his view don’t never changeExploitation? Animal cruelty?Whatever it is that fat man put a spell on meRed Nose, all around,Without me, we’d have to skip your town.Santa calls me by my first name,So @!$% you and your Reindeer Games

I can’t stand it, I know he planned it,I’m staying’ up late I shut the gate.I can’t stand poutin’ ’cause I know I’m nice,But you’re bound to find something if you check it twice!Sleeping or waking, he’s knowing why,I got this reindeer horn in my sideOh my God, he’s in my garage,I’m tellin’ y’all its Santa Clause!So, so, so, so listen up ’cause he’s gonna come knockin’,No matter how many doors you be lockin’.Up on the rooftop, without a pause,I’m tellin’ all y’all it’s Santa Clause!Listen all of y’all this is Santa Clause,Listen all of y’all this is Santa Clause,Listen all of y’all this is Santa Clause …

Here come old Joseph, He got, pregnant virgin,He want, room for evening,Got no, reservationMan say, “My inn is full, But I got something cheapSleep out in the barn With all the cows and the sheep”Here come old Wise Men,They got, frankincense bags,They got, gold and myrrh and,They say, “Where’s this savoir?”Mary says, “Sound asleep,He naps until threeCome back when He’s awake, But leave that gold here with me!”In a manger, right now … worship MeThe cattle lowing,They make, baby wake up,He don’t, make no crying,But He, start’s a-talkin’He say, “I’m a third, Of the Trinity.Now go get me a crib That isn’t full of debris”In a manger, right now … worship Me

Barry Smith’s column appears Mondays. More at

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