Barry Smith: Irrelativity | AspenTimes.com

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Barry Smith
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

Jordan Curet The Aspen Times

As the vaccination debate heats up across the swine-flu addled nation, there’s one alternative that I haven’t seen mentioned on the topic: make your own vaccine!

It’s a lot easier than you might think, and cheaper – you can probably make a comparable H1N1 vaccine using ingredients you have lying around the house or garage.

Here are a couple of recipes to get you started…

THE “STANDARD”

•1 Tylenol, extra strength, crushed

•1 tsp olive oil, extra virgin

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• Shot of Nyquil

• Juice from one lemon

Mix all ingredients in a large bowl, stirring constantly, and chill overnight. Using a new syringe, inject 20 CCs of the vaccine into all those who wish to remain flu-less. Serves 6.

THE “OLD SCHOOL”

• 1 black cat’s bone

• 1 small satchel of John the Conqueror root

• 1 tbsp hot foot powder

• 3 tbsp goofer dust

• 1 cup rain water from a barrel

During a new moon, mix all ingredients in a large bowl, stirring constantly, and chill overnight. Using anything you have resembling a syringe, inject and enjoy. Variation: Add Tabasco Sauce for more of a “Cajun” vaccine.

Perhaps administering your own vaccine is too daunting. Understandable – if you have doubts then it’s probably best to leave such things to the experts at your local pharmacy or convenience store.

Or maybe you’re one of those radicals who plan to avoid getting vaccinated altogether. If you choose that road, then you’ll need to take extra precautions. This is especially true if you live in a small town, where merely leaving the house is like belly flopping into a giant Petri dish of disease and infection. Good luck.

Some suggestive preventatives:

• Washing your hands often is a good way to curb the spread of germs. This is true. So just imagine how much more effective washing your hands constantly will be. Using a bit of rope, rig up a small Igloo cooler so that it hangs in front of you (see illustration). Fill it with hot, soapy water and keep your hands swishing around in there for the duration of your time in public.

Inside the safety of your own home you can relax a bit, but hand-washing is still crucial. Current wisdom tells us to wash our hands for the length of time it takes to sing the “Happy Birthday” song twice. But again, these are special times, so you should replace that with “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”

• If you once were, or currently are, an astronaut, you may want to wear your space suit in public places. Can’t hurt. Same goes for deep sea divers, fighter pilots and people who own Darth Vader costumes.

• Covering your nose and mouth when you sneeze is all well and good, but it doesn’t really do much in the way of helping YOU stay healthy. Filling a Super Soaker with Lysol and dousing the non-mouth-covering sneezer sends a powerful message, one that says, “I choose health.” This action may raise the ire of the squirtee, but how else will people learn? Besides, by the time their vision returns you’ll be long gone.

• Eat more bacon. Bacon acts as a homeopathic inoculation against all illnesses with “swine” in the name. If your first thought is “How can I possibly eat more bacon that I already do?” well, you’re on your way to a long, healthy life. Let’s just hope there’s not an outbreak of dog flu.

• A stressed nervous system is a germ playground. Find healthy ways to deal with stress and anxiety. Squirting snotty-nosed people in the face with Lysol can be a real tension tamer.

• Avoid touching your eyes, nose and mouth. Also, avoid touching other people’s eyes, noses and mouths. Especially avoid touching other people’s eyes, noses and mouth.

• Drink plenty of water. Specifically, water that does NOT contain the H1N1 virus. How can you tell if your water is infected? Simple – you can usually taste it after the first few sips.

(Next time: Handy Disease Prevention Tips Part 2: The Vapors.)