Barry Smith: Irrelativity | AspenTimes.com

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Barry Smith
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

Jordan Curet The Aspen Times

Dear Bad Guru,

Did you know that you can rearrange “Bad Guru” to spell “A Bur Dug?” Is there any significance in this?

Sincerely,

Anna, Anchorage

Anna,

Just as there is power in the written word, there is power in rearranging its letters to spell nonsensical things.

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Throughout history, many well-known spiritual teachers have used the power of the rearranged word to predict the future, heal the sick, raise the dead and impress people at social gatherings. And sometimes this technique has been used for lesser purposes. For example, Jesus was often quick to point out that Judas Iscariot’s name could be rearranged to spell “Ouija’s Dirt Sac.” Judas was clearly not happy about this incessant, though good-natured teasing, as we know how that relationship played out. Years later, the Prophet Muhammad used to poke fun at his devotee, Ali, because his name could be reconfigured to spell “Lia,” which, loosely translated, is Arabic for “Ouija’s Dirt Sac.” Moses used to call his brother Aaron “An Oar,” quite the insult at the time (for reasons now lost to us), and this would often result in fistfights. Those other famous biblical siblings, Cain and Abel, would tease each other with “Can I?” and “Bale.” Not particularly nasty, but these were simple times, and given the strained nature of their relationship it didn’t take much to set them off. In their defense, they probably learned this from their parents. It’s believed that Adam used to refer to his wife, sarcastically and in times of cruelty, as “Eev.” Despite being pronounced exactly the same, the swapping of the last two letters is believed to have changed the meaning to “Ouija’s Dirt Sac.”

Personally, the Bad Guru prefers “Rug Daub.” It’s the name I use for checking into hotels.

Dear Bad Guru,

Hey, it’s me again … quick follow-up question. Are you implying that Adam and Even spoke English?

Anna, Anchorage

Anna,

Not at first. Initially they spoke in charades. But since at that time there were very few movies, books or popular expressions (or “syllables,” or even things that “sound like” other things, for that matter) for them to act out, they quickly grew tired of moving their arms about so unnecessarily and set about creating a language – a very early version of English. So-called scholars often take issue with this, but with a bit of thought and meditation on the topic it is clearly the most logical conclusion. For instance, if you were the first man/woman ever, and you rounded the corner and came face to face with a hippopotamus, wouldn’t you call it a hippopotamus? Doesn’t a hippopotamus look exactly like a hippopotamus? Of course they do. Same way a cow is clearly a cow, a fish a fish. And so on. And, it should be pointed out, they are all quite delicious.

Dear Bad Guru,

Thanks. Hey, one more quickie, kind of on a different subject: I’m totally overwhelmed by the amount of commercial BBQ sauces available at my grocery store. Which is the best commercial BBQ sauce? You know, from a spiritual perspective.

Anna, Anchorage

Anna,

Stubb’s Original, hands down.

Dear Bad Guru,

Stubb’s ORIGINAL? Why not Hickory Bourbon or Smoky Mesquite?

Bobby in Little Rock

Bobby,

The label for Stubb’s BBQ sauce reads, “My life is in these bottles.” This is a message from Mr. Stubb himself. There is a passion and simplicity that comes through in the original blend of the sauce that is shrouded when so-called “flavors” are introduced. When the sum total of human existence is reduced, or slow-cooked, if you will, to its essence, there is no smoky bourbon mesquite honey pecan nonsense present. These “flavors” are all the distractions of the material world. All that exists at the core of humanity – the “soul,” as some call it – is a simple, tangy, satisfying BBQ sauce of pure light, a flavor that stays with you for all eternity. Yum.

Dear Bad Guru,

You haven’t had lunch yet, have you?

Bobby

Bobby,

The Bad Guru always replies to these questions on an empty stomach. This helps the Mind, Burger and Spirit maintain complete focus.