Barry Smith: Irrelativity
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
• Lance Armstrong won the professional men’s cross country race Saturday at Colorado’s “Blast the Mass” in Snowmass, Colo. Having just gotten on his mountain bike a week earlier for the first time in over a year, Armstrong easily defeated a field of regional pros. – BIKERUMOR.COM
• Lance Armstrong, now Colorado State XC Champion, won Colorado’s Leadville 100, a 100-mile mountain bike race, knocking more than 15 minutes off of the old record. Armstrong, third overall in this year’s Tour de France, easily defeated a field of regional pros. – VELONEWS.COM
• Lance Armstrong, fresh from his victory at the Leadville 100, pitches a no-hitter and bats 1.000 at a company softball game. Armstrong, clad in a Bill’s Hardware uniform, easily dominated a field of mostly inebriated locals who were clearly just there for the cocktails. “I was surprised,” says Bill Evans, owner of Bill’s Hardware, “when he came in last week asking for a part-time job, but he seemed willing to do whatever it took to be on the team.”
• Lance Armstrong, arriving unexpectedly at a backyard BBQ, easily defeated a field of neighborhood friends in a game of horseshoes. Says BBQ host Steven Tiers, “It was awesome to have him here, but man, he just wiped everybody out in horseshoes. It was amazing, every throw was a ringer. Nobody else could touch him. After a while everybody just kinda quit.” Only briefly satisfied with his horseshoe victory, Armstrong ate a piece of barbecue chicken and began pestering Teirs to break out the croquet set. His requests ignored, he then proceeded to join the hackey sack game in the far corner of the yard, easily dominating a circle of local enthusiasts.
• A local charity event gets a publicity boost as Tour de France veteran cyclist Lance Armstrong excels in the annual donkey basketball game. Armstrong, astride “Figaro,” scored a whopping 34 points, 30 points higher than any other player, and lead his team “The Donkey Kongs” to an easy victory. Sid Fergus, event organizer, was pleased that Armstrong agreed to participate. “It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen,” said Fergus. “I mean, it’s usually played mostly for laughs, you know, but Mr. Armstrong brought some real focus to the event. Before watching him play, I didn’t even know it was possible to slam dunk during a game of donkey basketball.”
• Lance Armstrong Claims Victory in Community Easter Egg Hunt, Sets Record
St. Mary’s annual Easter Egg hunt will never be quite the same. “The bar has certainly been raised,” said Sister Mary Maria, event organizer.
“Mr. Armstrong was a real inspiration to watch,” she said. “He was the only one wearing lycra, and he was moving fast, no chit-chatting. He gathered up more eggs in the first few minutes than most people do in their entire lives.”
Of the 15 dozen eggs hidden in Campbell Park for the estimated 100 participants, Armstrong gathered a total of 138 – just shy of his stated goal of 12 dozen. Still, Armstrong’s final number beats the previous record by a full 9 dozen eggs, as he easily defeated the field of local egg hunters.
• Aspen’s Fourth of July picnic gets a surprise celebrity visit from its new favorite son. Lance Armstrong arrived early at the town’s annual picnic and began a rigorous stretching routine. Shadowed by his teammates, he quickly snagged easy victories in a series of Field Day events, including the Three-Legged Race, the Running With An Egg In A Spoon Relay event and the Goofy Obstacle Course. His most stunning victory, however, was in the Sack Race. In constant radio contact with his follow sack, Armstrong hopped ahead to an easy victory, soundly defeating local favorite little Timmy Pinkus, age 9, by a full two minutes, and setting a new course record.
“Having Lance here really helps legitimize the sport of sack racing, and Field Day events in general,” said a picnic attendee.
Little Timmy Pinkus, however, was not so excited.
“I didn’t even know they let grownups in the race,” he said, sobbing slightly.
During his podium speech, Armstrong announced the publication of his forthcoming book, “It’s Not About the Sack.”
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