Barry Smith: Irrelativity
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
Hi Future People,
My name is Barry and it’s currently 2009. Which means that for you, now, as you’re reading this, it’s like 52,009. That is so trippy.
To me 2009 sounds seriously futuristic. But 52,009? Damn. Hard to get my head around that, you know? You guys are probably a lot smarter than we are now, so maybe you can’t relate, but, you know … damn!
Hey, let me ask you ” when it turned 52,009 were you like, “52,009!? Wow! It seems like only yesterday it was 49,999! And that was 10 years ago! Where does the time go?”
Oh, and I bet on your checks you still wrote 52,008 by mistake for the first few months, huh? Must be a drag having to use a comma when you write out the year, huh? You probably just write ’09, I bet. Just like we do! So in a way, maybe things haven’t changed all that much.
Anywho, things are pretty good here. Same ol’ same ol’, you know. Hey, quick word of advice ” if someone with the last name “Bush” runs for president or emperor or terrestrial overlord or whatever, you might want to steer clear of them.
Check it out ” I just saw the new Star Trek last week! Have you seen it? I thought it was great, but you probably think it looks fake. Here in 2009 we still think the whole “beam me up” thing is cool, but you’re probably like, “Beam me up, AND …?” Still, it’s easily the best Star Trek movie, so you should see it if you haven’t yet. I’m sure it’s on Netflix by now. You still have Netflix, right? I bet you do, and that it doesn’t take two whole days for your movie to arrive. Man, the future must be so awesome.
Now then … I know this letter is supposed to be a record of the current state of humanity or whatever, and I’m sure you’ll get plenty of that from all the other letters, but I’m writing because I have a favor to ask.
I’m assuming you have time travel by now, right? OK ” good. Here’s my plan. I’m having dinner with some so-called friends at their house this Saturday night. At some point I’m gonna steer the conversation toward time travel and, knowing them, I’m sure they’ll be all dismissive. After a few minutes of arguing about it, I’m going to stand up, gesturing dramatically toward their front door, “Time travel does exist! And here’s proof!”
This is where you come in ” literally. I’d like, if it isn’t too much to ask, for you to then come through the door dressed very futuristically. If you don’t dress futuristically in the future, then could you please pop back into the past a few minutes early and pick up a roll of aluminum foil from the store and create a makeshift shiny “future” costume? Cool.
In fact, you’ll probably want to come back a bit early anyway, as I’m not sure of the exact time I’ll get around to the “… and I can prove it!” part, and obviously it’ll only work if you come in at that EXACT moment. You can just wait outside until you hear your cue ” I’ll say it real loud.
I’m really counting on you here, so please don’t leave me hanging. These people are so smug, and I really want to show them.
Once you’ve proved to them that you’re from the future, I’m sure you’ll be welcome to stay for dinner. It’ll probably be fajitas.
Hey, thanks in advance (like 50,000 years in advance ” ha!) for this. I totally appreciate it. And if there’s anything I can do now to help make the future a little bit better ” like sharing a flush, or something ” please let me know when you get here.
See you soon,
P.S. ” If you save the receipt I’ll reimburse you for the foil.