Barry Smith: Irrelativity
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
Here are a few classes you may have overlooked in the CMC summer catalog.
ART 104 – EXPLORING DOODLING
This one-week intensive will cover all aspects of the art of the doodle; margin squiggles, tiny circles with dots, hasty caricatures and symmetrical flowers. Students explore this form in a simulated doodling environment of extreme boredom and/or distraction.
Materials list provided.
Prerequisite: ART 103 – DOT YOUR ‘I’S WITH LITTLE HEARTS
ART 109 – MACARONI NECKLACE
Move over, knitting! The macaroni necklace is hot once again. Using deceptively simple materials (uncooked macaroni, string) students will create beautiful works of wearable art. Materials list provided above, in parentheses.
Prerequisite: ART 108 – PIPE CLEANER SCULPTING
ART 115 – GETTING BEAT UP BY THE FITNESS CLASS STUDENTS
Part of getting in touch with your artistic side involves being harassed by jocks. This class prepares you for a life of having a bunch of sports-loving yahoos hold your painting, sculpture or macaroni necklace high over your head while you pathetically jump up and try to grab it. Then they beat you up. This is a non-credit class.
Prerequisite: ART 114 – EMBRACE THE WEDGIE
CER 103 – STEALTH BONG MAKING
Flower vase or drug paraphernalia? They look ALMOST the same going into the kiln. Learn how to convince your instructor to ignore your Led Zeppelin T-shirt and believe your passion for displaying fresh cut flowers. Offered with companion course CER 103-A – BE COOL… IT’S THE COPS!
CS 003 – INTRODUCTION TO MAC FASCISM
Just got your first Mac but aren’t quite sure how to be righteous about it to your PC-using friends? This course will familiarize you with the buzz words of Mac superiority while providing some timely why-PCs-suck anecdotes. You’ll be annoying in no time.
Macs not provided on campus, so bring your own laptop.
CS 008 – POWERPOINT BASICS
Bouncy words, twirling pictures, funny clip art, jazzy transitions, silly sound effects…everything you need to disguise the fact that your one-hour presentation contains only four minutes of actual information.
Prerequisite: CS 007 – EMERGENCY SHADOW PUPPETRY
CS 014 – SOCIAL NETWORKING: ADIOS, LIFE!
By introducing the student to Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and MySpace, this class will successfully sponge up all the time once spent reading, being productive or spending time with actual friends.
CS 111 – INTERMEDIATE PHOTOSHOP – STICKING YOUR HEAD ON OTHER BODIES
Adobe Photoshop is a complex and powerful tool, and its ability to stick a picture of your head on someone else’s body (or vice versa) is perhaps its most popular and useful application.
Students provide pictures of their own heads.
Prerequisite: CS 110 – PHOTOSHOP SASQUATCH BASICS
ESL 100 – ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE FOR THOSE WHO THEORETICALLY SPEAK ENGLISH AS A FIRST LANGUAGE
R U a high school graduate who can’t spell? Is ur writing torn straight from a YouTube comments page? Learn the fundamentals of writing and speaking the language that you’ve managed to avoid learning for the past 20 or so years. Text required. And by “text” we mean “textbook,” not cellular text messages.
SPA 101-B – WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO LEARN SPANISH – ISN’T THIS AMERICA!?
Same as Spanish 101, only with more bitterness and weird, aggressive patriotism.
HUM 103 – ETHICS
Last semester this class was mistakenly listed in the catalog as “Ethnics.” We apologize for any damage this may have caused your GPA.
PHI 125 – PHILOSOPHY – AHHH, BUT “WHEN” DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
For the curious philosophy student who’s already completed PHI 101 through PHI 124, yet still hasn’t figured out that we’re totally making all this stuff up as we go along.
PIL 105 – PILATES – BEATING UP ART STUDENTS.
Fancy Pilates machines aren’t always available, but the campus is crawling with art students. Pilates enthusiasts will discover the core-strengthening benefits of wedgie giving, as well as the flexibility gained from the destruction of macaroni necklaces. On July 17 class will take a field trip to the Red Brick Center For The Arts.
Permission slip required.
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High Points: Now I don’t want to be an apologist for the Aspen Skiing Company, but to me $199 to ski the crown jewel of American skiing during the height of what is traditionally the busiest time of year is a total bargain.