Barry Smith: Irrelativity
1. I regularly overstep the boundaries of my vocabulary in an attempt to appear smarter than I know I am. Its just basic insecurity, but sometimes I get busted. For instance, I routinely mispronounce the word palatable. Serves me right. I have no business using such words.2. Im a chronic eavesdropper. Thats why I mumble, because Im afraid someone is eavesdropping on me.3. I eat slower than anyone I know. Im always the last to finish a meal. In fact, I just finished up a lunch I started in March of 2003.4. I love all variations of the Americas Funniest Home Videos genre. I dont wish anyone any harm, and dont particularly take delight in seeing others suffer, but when I see a child kick a giant inflatable ball right square into their unsuspecting grandmothers face, well … all is right with the world.5. I take about 20 pictures a day, even if Im just sitting around the house.6. I was once a licensed professional photocopier in San Bernardino County, California. And I dont mean I worked at Kinkos I had an actual license that legally qualified me to make photocopies in a courthouse. I still have that license. It may still be valid.7. They recently put up a big Hazard, improper use of equipment can cause injury or death sign in my health club, and it made my time on the Stairmaster feel kinda hardcore. I didnt mention this to anyone, of course.8. When I hear certain words or phrases, I have to say them out loud. A lot. Like some people start eating M&Ms and cant stop, I repeat things. A trip to the airport has me saying Caution, moving walk is nearing its end, please watch your step, thank you, for weeks. Im like a parrot. If you didnt know me, youd think I was mildly autistic. If you know me, you know its a bit more severe than mild.9. I cried during Ratatouille10. I laughed during Schindlers List.11. Not really. I never actually saw Schindlers List.12. Other films Ive yet to see that I should have by now: The Godfather, The Exorcist, Gone With the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, Bondage Nurses Vol. 5.13. You know that old John Henry song? About a railroad track layin man who has a competition with the newfangled steam drill, and in the end actually does perform better than the machine, but has a heart attack and dies in the process ? Man, that just really gets to me. That one part where he died with that hammer in his hand. Heavy. That really moves me, and I have no idea why. Im not a Luddite. Id certainly never want to compete with my MacBook. And though I love the image of dying with my hammer in my hand, Im not even sure where my hammer is. Probably in that drawer in the kitchen, the one where I also keep all the batteries, rubber bands and twist ties. Yeah, thats gotta be where it is.14. I love comics.15. I want someone with a cowboy hat to say something about me like, Damn, he can drive, or Well hell, that boy can sure play that guitar. But I fear that theres nothing I do well enough to garner such authentic, down-home praise. And Ooo-wee, that boy can juggle isnt what Im looking for.16. Im a pretty good juggler.17. Growing up, we sometimes ate squirrel. On purpose.18. Sometimes Ill intentionally use the sound of my flatulence to punctuate a statement Ive just made. Im almost 43.19. Ive had stage-fright be so intense that I had to lean on something while on stage. I still dont know how I managed to not pass out. There was an audience of about 16 people.20. I still daydream about being a really good skateboarder, even though I know that it will never, ever, ever happen.21. I still have my vinyl copy of Rappers Delight that I bought in a record store in Shelby, Mississippi. I probably still have it memorized, too.22. I used to have a pet skunk.23. I was responsible for getting the Aspen Daily News their first online account/email address. I tell that to the kids today and they dont believe me.24. I have only recently, in the last week, learned to keep quiet when someone reveals their belief that Monty Python is an actual person.25. I embarrassed myself yesterday. That last sentence will be true no matter when you read it.
Barry Smith’s column appears Mondays in The Aspen Times.
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