Barry Smith: Irrelativity | AspenTimes.com

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Jordan Curet The Aspen Times
ALL | The Aspen Times

Dear Bad Guru,

Despite all of my attempts to “find” myself, including spending thousands of dollars on therapy, encounter groups, meditation retreats and crystals, the only thing I’ve “found” is that I can’t stop acting exactly like my mother. Just yesterday, while explaining to my children why we won’t be going to the Water Park this weekend, I said, “We’ve decided that we need to be a bit more frugal with our finances for a while, but we’ll do something fun at home, just us, as a family.” At least that’s what I meant to say. But when I opened my mouth, what came out was, “Because I said so, and I’m the freakin’ breadwinner! If you don’t like it, then get a goddamn job. Freeloaders!”

Weird, huh? It’s almost like I’m possessed by her or something, even though she’s still alive. What can I do?

Signed,

Possessed in Peoria

Dear Possessed,

Indeed, you are experiencing a form of possession, a condition which can only be solved by repossession. You need to find yourself a Spiritual Repo Man. Check the phone book.

Dear Bad Guru,

I think the spirit of my dead husband has entered the body of my dog. I can just tell in the way he (the dog) looks at me. And the smell.

I haven’t told anyone about this, because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m crazy. And because my husband owed lots of people money.

What should I do?

Signed,

Befuddled in Buffalo

Dear Befuddled,

It’s not uncommon for the spirit of a deceased household member to linger in the body of the family pet before proceeding to the light. It’s their way of checking up on things, as well as enjoying some snacks before the journey to the afterlife. This phenomenon was first documented in 1934 by Sir Alfred Himmelman. He observed that his Pug, Otto, was acting exactly like his recently passed-on wife. It was Himmelman who coined the term “Pug-atory.” Clever man.

Your husband will hang around in Fido’s body until he gets bored with eating, sleeping and chasing a ball. Hard to say how long that will be ” it’s a pretty good life. And you are correct ” probably best not to mention this to anyone.

As for the smell, sprinkle a bit of charcoal in his kibble.

Dear Bad Guru,

I work as a drive-through bank teller. People drive up, put their documents in the little tube, I suck it over to my workstation, process it, then send the tube back to them. They drive away, then comes the next car ” suck, process, return. Day in, day out. The problem is, I keep having these dejà vus. Intense ones, like I’ll just totally swear that this has all happened before, but I can’t remember when, and I’m floored by it. But then I remember, duh, it was like three minutes ago, and three minutes before that. But with each new car I dejà vu again. I just never see it coming. And I’ve had this job for years!

What gives? What gives?

Signed,

Dejà Voo-Dude in Dallas

Dear Voo Dude,

You are experiencing “Faux-ja Vu” ” literal translation ” “Yes, this DID all happen before, and so what?”

The Ego, in its desperate struggle to be unique, interprets each occurrence as new, original and significant, even if it’s the same thing that JUST happened. Your memory of the event bleeds through, causing elated confusion.

Faux-ja Vu sufferers do not make good tennis players, as they are constantly thinking, whoa, there’s a yellow ball coming at me, that’s so eerie and familiar! WHERE have I seen this before?

Game, set, match.

Faux-ja Vu is, at its core, an extremely advanced state of boredom. Yes, you’re just bored. But it’s a job ” what do you expect?

Dear Bad Guru,

My cat, curious little critter, sometimes walks across my computer keyboard. Usually her paws type “llllllllllkessssssswwww” or “azzzzzzzmmmmmm.”

But lately whenever she strolls across the keys she types out things like “bewarre,” and “tyme to die” and “I’ll killl yoo while yoo sleepe!!!”

Ordinarily I’d be concerned, but my cat’s lack of spelling ability makes it seem kind of cute. I mean, “TYME to die …?” That’s adorable, right?

Signed,

Kitten Lover In Kentucky

Dear Moron,

Grab your keys and your wallet and run for your life. And apparently this needs to be spelled out for you ” DO NOT bring the cat.


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