Barry Smith: Irrelativity
The Aspen Times
Aspen CO, Colorado
In reviewing the last seven or so years of my traditional “predictions” column, I’m a bit shocked to discover my success rate isn’t high. Or even existent.
For example, here’s a prediction that I made exactly one year ago: “The makers of Aunt Jemima syrup will introduce Aunt Je-Pantomim-a, a product designed for people who like to ask that their breakfast sweeteners be passed to them by playing an elaborate game of charades.”
A quick Googling of “Aunt Je-Pantomim-a” reveals that I was, well, inaccurate. Thought I prefer to think I’m just ahead of my time.
Either way, this year I’m taking the easy way out. I need to get my numbers up so I can win back your trust. So …
IRRELATIVITY PREDICTIONS FOR 2009
(that are guaranteed to come true)
– Despite the promise of Linguistic Darwinism, people will continue to use the expression “happy camper.” In fact, they will use this expression long after the Earth has been scorched by the Armageddon of Misuse, well into the post-apocalyptic era where the concept of “camping” doesn’t even make sense. The few remaining humans, these pitiful, wandering, mutated Nomads who, foraging on the radioactive remains of our once-lush planet, will be cowering under a makeshift lean-to to avoid the acid rain when one of them will say, without a trace of sarcasm, “Boy, I am NOT a happy camper.” Shortly thereafter, someone will kill and eat them. Though this seems like justice, it’s not. After his meal, the cannibal will declare, “I’m a happy camper.” And on and on it shall go.
– Something will happen to a celebrity that you don’t know, don’t know anybody who knows, and don’t even know anybody who knows anybody who knows, yet you will discuss it and ponder it as if it was your own parents you were talking about.
– There’ll be something that you think you’re really, really right about, only to discover that you’re really, really wrong. Like you’ll be sure that your wife has put the small saucepan somewhere other than in the cupboard where it belongs, even though you thought you had an agreement that if you both work together to keep the cupboard tidy and organized then life will just flow so much better ” only to be reminded (by her) that you actually used that saucepan yesterday to catch the leak from the toilet tank that you were trying to fix but still haven’t because when it comes to “handiness” around the house you’re only slightly more effective than a narcoleptic turtle. For example.
-“Troubled economic times” will be used, and heard, so often during the coming 12 months that by January 2010 it will have replaced the phrase “you know.”
EXAMPLE: So, like, troubled economic times, I was just, troubled economic times, walkin’ down the street, troubled economic times, when this dude, troubled economic times, he’s all, like, etc. …
– On a whim, someone will buy a pack of gum. Someone who doesn’t really chew gum, hasn’t since they were a kid, but some impulse said, “grab that pack of Big Red,” as they were checking out at the grocery store, and they did, and as they open up the pack ” THEIR pack ” and put that first stick in their mouth, the world will suddenly seem bright, cinnamon-y and full of possibility.
– Same as above, only with crack.
– People on television news shows will shout at each other nightly. Millions and millions will feel obliged to watch this shouting, thinking that they are being “informed.”
* For the umpteenth year in a row, you will not win the Super Jackpot Powerball Lottery. Sorry.
* An “expert” will tell you something and you’ll believe it’s true ” TRUE ” never pausing to consider that this “expert” is a confused, frightened little human just like you are, making it all up as they go along, trying to deal with their own insecurities, shortcomings and deep shameful secrets, hoping to God to make it through just one more day without being exposed as a total phony. Oh, and you’ll probably pay them. Get a receipt.
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Dear Lori and Jeff,