Barry Smith: Irrelativity |

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Jordan Curet The Aspen Times
ALL | The Aspen Times

1. In as sarcastic a manner as possible, please explain how much you enjoy completing brief surveys.

A. Wow, that’s a tough one – how much do I enjoy breathing?

B. Well, I thought being forced to wear a colostomy bag was as much fun as anything could ever be. Then I took a moment and completed a brief survey.

C. I like them a lot, but I like you even more.

D. I do not enjoy it. I do not enjoy sarcasm.

2. How often are you asked to take a moment to complete brief surveys?

A. Once a year, maybe.

B. Once a month.

C. At least once a week.

D. Counting this one? Approximately every time I blink.

3. What would you consider the most unusual circumstances under which you’ve been asked to complete a brief survey?

A. Immediately after being mugged.

B. While scuba diving.

C. While in the middle of completing a totally different brief survey.

D. Before I’d fully exited the birth canal.

4. When completing brief surveys that are actually parodies of brief surveys, do you find that the last multiple choice item is always the one with the funniest answer?

A. Absolutely. That’s the proper way to do it.

B. Yes. And the second answer is traditionally the least funny, thereby providing both contrast and flow.

C. Often. But sometimes the next-to-last answer is funniest, just to catch you off guard. Humor is all about being caught off guard.

D. No.

5. When completing brief surveys of a surrealistic nature, which word or words do you feel most embody the custard skywriting manifesto tartar sauce?

A. Haberdashery.

B. Emily Litella.

C. Algonquin.

D. Howler monkey.

6. Of all the brief surveys that you’ve taken in your life, which one was the briefest?

A. “The Benefits of Fracking in Your Home Town.”

B. “Drone Attacks Are Patriotic.”

C. “My Fondness for Insurance Companies!”

D. “How Much Do You Love Brief Surveys (A Brief Survey)?”

7. If you worked as a surveyor, like the kind who goes out with those scopes on tripods and points them at the other guy holding up the orange stick, and you were inordinately short, incredibly efficient (allowing you to complete jobs in virtually no time) and were clad only in loose-fitting elastic-waistbanded underpants, would it be fair to refer to you as a “brief surveyor in briefs briefly surveying?”

A. True.

B. False.

C. Do not choose these last two answers.

D. For official use only.

8. Without glancing ahead, how much longer do you think this brief survey will take?

A. Seven generations.

B. Hard to say, but the amount of time it’s taken already could be measured using carbon dating.

C. There is currently no evidence to indicate that this brief survey will ever end.

D. Oh – BRIEF survey! All this time I thought you were saying BEEF survey. Funny how you get an idea in your head and that’s just all you hear from then on, especially when you’re hungry. Kind of like when I attended that Ku Klux Clam rally. I was like, hey, how are we ever gonna manage to bake clams over that burning cross? So, yeah – brief survey. That makes more sense. Never mind.

9. Quick! First thing that pops into your head!

A. Brief survey.

B. Underpants.

C. Emily Litella.

D. Brief survey.

10. In your own words, how was your experience taking a moment to complete this brief survey?

A. Really, really worthwhile. Thanks so much for both asking me to take the brief survey and for asking me how it was to take the brief survey. Wow. I feel good.

B. Mere language isn’t capable of expressing my elation. Fortunately, though, breakdancing is. If you could just help me move this furniture out of the way so I have a little more room.

C. It’s done? Awwww …

D. Hey wait! These aren’t my words!

E. Feeling a bit disappointed that there was never an “All of the above” choice.

Barry Smith’s column appears Mondays in The Aspen Times.

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