Barry Smith: Irrelativity |

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Barry Smith
The Aspen Times
Aspen CO Colorado
Jordan Curet The Aspen Times
ALL | The Aspen Times

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard. Before we take off, please stop your conversations, put down your reading materials and watch this important safety video. Thank you. (Click.)”

This video will highlight some of the features of this airplane. Thank you for flying with us today.

Please take the safety card out of the seat pocket and follow along. If you are sitting in an exit row, you might be required to assist the crew in an emergency. If you are unable or unwilling to perform these duties, please press your call button at the end of this video.

You, Fat Boy. Yeah, you, talking about sports. Shut it.

Please keep your seat belt fastened low and tight across your lap. To fasten your seat belt, tie it in a double knot. Tighten your belt by scooting forward in your seat until it hurts.

You aren’t listening, are you? What, you think reading SkyMall is more important than information that could save your life?

When the seat-belt sign is lit, federal law requires you to repeatedly kick the back of the seat in front of you while giving the person next to you a wet willie.

Hello. Hello? Up here, on the screen … video playing …

If you are a straight male you will find our female flight attendants to be smokin’ hot despite their actual attractiveness and/or your age differences. Did you see the way she gave you a ginger ale and a packet of pretzels? She wants you.

There are four exit doors. Only one of them works. We would tell you which one, but you’re ignoring us, so whatever. Should something actually go wrong you’ll be scrambling over seats like a monkey on crank, stomping old ladies in the face to save precious seconds.

Do you have any idea what it costs to produce this video? I mean, look at these computer graphics! Oh, yeah … reading the Adam Sandler puff piece in “Horizons” is a lot more interesting, right? Punk.

Open the over-wing exit by standing motionless in front of it and screaming, “No! God! We’re all gonna die!” The main doors open by waving your hands in front of them, like the faucets in the bathrooms, while the passengers behind you surge forward and crush you like you’re at a Who concert. Evacuation slides automatically inflate. When jumping on the slide, keep in mind that the stewardess will be impressed by a half gainer. When you’re on the ground, move away from the aircraft, as it will explode as soon as you’ve reached a relatively safe distance. What, have you never seen a Bruce Willis film?

In the event of a runway landing, your flotation device becomes a seat cushion. Place them between your ass and the bottom of the plane. Should you require additional cushioning in this area, just keep throwing back the fried foods.

If needed, an oxygen mask will drop from above your seat. Tighten the elastic band firmly around your neck. As the blood flow to your brain lessens, you’ll find yourself even more attracted to our crew. Push the call button and ask the brunette for a lap dance.

For everyone’s comfort and safety, and to comply with federal law, please follow crew instructions at all times. Did you catch that? Federal law says that you have to do what we say. We’re like cops, only worse. Remember how we told you to shut your Pop-Tart holes and watch this video? Remember? Well, you’re all under arrest. No, seriously.

Three million. That’s what this video cost. Look, I know it’s not a YouTube video of someone racking themselves while falling off a skateboard, but we put a lot of work into it. And if you aren’t going to watch it, then you’re going to prison.

Federal law prohibits smoking on this flight. Federal law prohibits lots of things, doesn’t it? But people still do them. Cool people, that is. So why not go lean against the cockpit door and light up a Marlboro? Go on. The stewardess will dig it. What are you, chicken? Bock, bock!

And now, before we take off, please stow your luggage in the overhead compartment and your cellphone in your descending colon. Once in the air, we’ll play a rerun of “Friends.” You’re gonna shut up for that, aren’t you? Whatever. We’re already planting heroin in your luggage.

Now sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight. Punk.

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