Barry Smith: Irrelativity |

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Barry Smith
The Aspen Times
Aspen CO Colorado
Jordan Curet The Aspen Times
ALL | The Aspen Times

I live by the to-do list.

Each morning I get up and make a list that says, “Make to-do list.” Then, religiously following my list, I make a to-do list.

When I’m done, I cross this item off my list, and only then can I begin my day. That is, assuming the first item on my new to-do list says, “Begin my day.”

My near-clinical dependence on the to-do list puts me in some fine company. I’ll bet you didn’t know that some very famous people throughout history were also to-do-list junkies. Well, you know now, so you can cross “Research list-making habits of famous people throughout history” off your list. That should free up enough time to allow you to read on.

Adam’s to-do list:

• Call doctor re: recurring rib-cage pain

• Name something “hippopotamus”

• Sin – think up something original

• Hide from God

• Re: lifetime of toil – get work gloves

Jesus’ to-do list:

• Water to wine … practice

• Sandals resoled

• Confirm supper reservations

• Call Judas re: backgammon

Unabomber’s to-do list:

• Get stamps

• Guests coming by – cover the microwave

• Spellcheck manifesto – manually, of course

• Tae Bo class

• New typewriter ribbon

• Call UPS re: daily pickup

D.B. Cooper’s to-do list

• Jump

• Hide

• Retire

Abraham Lincoln’s to-do list:

• Shave – goatee maybe?

• Work on Gett. Add. jokes

• Free slaves

• Theater tix – sold out? Call in favor

Martin Luther King’s to-do list:

• Start dream journal

• Grocery store – crackers

• Cross-train for mountaintop climb

Malcolm X’s to-do list:

• Get kept down by whitey

• Yellow Pages – demand better listing (before X-ray)

• Need coffee beans! Buy any beans necessary

Robert Johnson’s to-do list:

• Sell soul at crossroads – get receipt

• Avoid hellhounds

• Look for shoes

• Call Willa Mae re: squeezing lemon till juice runs down leg

Columbus’ to-do list:

• Circumnavigate globe

• Discover “new” world

• Yoga

• Put lime in coconut – drink it all up

Freud’s to-do list:

• Wire Columbia re: new “supplies”

• Call mother/flirt

• Concoct April Fools’ joke for Jung

Hannibal’s to-do list:

• Check map/easier route?

• Pick up Purina elephant chow, Ricola

Moses’ to-do list:

• Fax Pharaoh re: letting people go

• Get canteen repaired

• Buy better compass

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