Barry Smith: Irrelativity
The Aspen Times
Aspen CO Colorado
I live by the to-do list.
Each morning I get up and make a list that says, “Make to-do list.” Then, religiously following my list, I make a to-do list.
When I’m done, I cross this item off my list, and only then can I begin my day. That is, assuming the first item on my new to-do list says, “Begin my day.”
My near-clinical dependence on the to-do list puts me in some fine company. I’ll bet you didn’t know that some very famous people throughout history were also to-do-list junkies. Well, you know now, so you can cross “Research list-making habits of famous people throughout history” off your list. That should free up enough time to allow you to read on.
Adam’s to-do list:
• Call doctor re: recurring rib-cage pain
• Name something “hippopotamus”
• Sin – think up something original
• Hide from God
• Re: lifetime of toil – get work gloves
Jesus’ to-do list:
• Water to wine … practice
• Sandals resoled
• Confirm supper reservations
• Call Judas re: backgammon
Unabomber’s to-do list:
• Get stamps
• Guests coming by – cover the microwave
• Spellcheck manifesto – manually, of course
• Tae Bo class
• New typewriter ribbon
• Call UPS re: daily pickup
D.B. Cooper’s to-do list
Abraham Lincoln’s to-do list:
• Shave – goatee maybe?
• Work on Gett. Add. jokes
• Free slaves
• Theater tix – sold out? Call in favor
Martin Luther King’s to-do list:
• Start dream journal
• Grocery store – crackers
• Cross-train for mountaintop climb
Malcolm X’s to-do list:
• Get kept down by whitey
• Yellow Pages – demand better listing (before X-ray)
• Need coffee beans! Buy any beans necessary
Robert Johnson’s to-do list:
• Sell soul at crossroads – get receipt
• Avoid hellhounds
• Look for shoes
• Call Willa Mae re: squeezing lemon till juice runs down leg
Columbus’ to-do list:
• Circumnavigate globe
• Discover “new” world
• Put lime in coconut – drink it all up
Freud’s to-do list:
• Wire Columbia re: new “supplies”
• Call mother/flirt
• Concoct April Fools’ joke for Jung
Hannibal’s to-do list:
• Check map/easier route?
• Pick up Purina elephant chow, Ricola
Moses’ to-do list:
• Fax Pharaoh re: letting people go
• Get canteen repaired
• Buy better compass
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