Barry Smith: Irrelativity
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO, Colorado
I am so disappointed with the new iPad.
I’ve been anticipating Apple’s announcement of its latest and greatest device for months now, and just last week the company finally rolled it out. And man, what a letdown.
See, I don’t have an iPad, and I really want one. Since they first came out two years ago, whenever I’d see someone in a coffee shop swiping away on these newfangled devices, I’d always find a way to interrupt.
“So, how you liking that iPad thing?”
And I continue to ask it to this day, living vicariously through the lucky owners. For a while people would respond enthusiastically. Consistent rave reviews. I say “for a while” because eventually these answers changed. They were clearly still into their iPad, but by now it’s become such a ubiquitous gizmo that my question has become ridiculous. It’s like interrupting a stranger and asking, “So, how you liking those … what are they called again … shoes?”
The excitement has been building for a while for me. By the time I was ready to pull the trigger on the iPad 2, it was already time to start gearing up for the 3 because of all the groovy new stuff it would certainly be able to do.
And yes, the new iPad does have some improvements: the A5X chip retina display; 4G wireless; 5-megapixel camera; slicker, stronger, faster, etc.
It’s the stuff that it doesn’t include that has me upset. Not to be too conspiratorial, but I know that certain technologies exist in the world that we, the sheeplike consumer, are being denied. Why don’t we all have jet packs, invisibility pills and cars that get 100 miles per gallon, that run on water and whose only byproduct is fresh-squeezed lemonade? Because they – yes, “they” – want to trickle this technology out to us slowly and make us pay for each tiny upgrade.
And here I thought Apple was bigger than that. But no. It’s just like any other corporation, holding back the good stuff. Oh, goody goody, a 3.1 million-pixel screen! Yeah, whatever … take a look at some of the things that the new iPad should be able to do:
• Voice activation: The new iPhones have voice activation, so why didn’t the new iPad include it? In fact, why didn’t it take it to the next level … voice activation with Steve Jobs? And I don’t mean a pre-recorded Steve Jobs, either. I mean connecting directly with the disincarnated spirit of Steve Jobs. Forget things like “Remind me that Dad’s birthday is Tuesday” or “How do I get to Burger King?” This would allow us to ask Steve the big questions: “What is the afterlife like?” “Does reincarnation exist?” “When will the new iMacs be announced?” I have it on good authority that they’ve perfected this technology already. It’s a project that’s code-named “Too soon.”
• Transmutation of base metals into gold: This should have been on the original iPad, but for some reason it’s still in “development.” Apparently Apple is wrapped up in some trademark litigation over this feature. Or so it would like us to think.
• Control time and space: Transport yourself backward and forward in time, manipulating your environment along the way. Sound good? Sure it does. That’s why you’ll have to wait for the iPad 4 to be able to do it.
• Absolve sins: Forget 4G LTE. I don’t even know what that is. True wireless technology is capable of communing with the divine. A variety of apps could be developed, based on your religious preference, that would allow you to go straight to the top with your pleas for forgiveness. The data plan would probably be expensive, but it could be worth it.
• Obliteration of your enemies: Didn’t the original Blackberries have this function? C’mon, Apple … you’re embarrassing yourself. Keep up!
• Basic outpatient surgical procedures: Appendix removal, root canal, collagen implants, hip replacement … this stuff is so easy these days that there is absolutely no excuse to have to waste your time and money on a physician. I’ve seen YouTube videos of people who have modded their iPads to do exfoliation and dermabrasion, so I know these other things are possible from this magical tablet, along with defibrillation, dialysis, CAT scan, pacemaker and emergency airlift capabilities. They have the technology! But the American Medical Association lobby is keeping it all from us. Information is power! Smash the state!
• Taser/pepper spray dispenser: Hey, it’s dangerous out there, especially when you strut around flaunting your expensive new iPad.
• USB port: Just kidding. Even technology has its limits.
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