Barry Smith: Irrelativity
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
In preparation for this New Year’s column, I’ve spent the past few days in consultation with a variety of psychics, asking them what they think 2012 will bring. Some of them told of earthquakes, political upheaval, economic ruin and an endless variety of plight. Others painted a picture of global harmony, lasting union and an outbreak of peace. Still others spoke of alien contact, talking plants and lizard creatures emerging from the ocean.
“No, wait,” I had to interrupt each time. “I mean what’s gonna happen to me?”
PREDICTIONS FOR 2012
• I will complete my house renovation project, the one I’ve been writing about for most of the year, but will continue to stretch out writing about the experience through the summer.
• I’ll finally break down and buy an iPad 2. Between 30 and 45 minutes later (hard to pinpoint exactly), the iPad 3 will be announced.
• Chickens. There are chickens in my future. All the ball-gazers I talked to agreed on this one. Of course, I might have accidentally told them this when I first sat down with them. Like, “Hi, I’m Barry. I’m gonna get chickens.” I tried not to divulge anything about myself to these psychics, preferring to let them work “cold,” but I’ve been introducing myself that way for about two months now, so there’s a good chance that it just slipped out.
• Chicken coop. Yes, this was a separate prediction from “chickens.” As part of the chicken-getting, I’ve been told that they’ll need a coop. I’ll be using my newfound power-tool skills (see “renovation project” above … and below) to build this coop, so apparently I’ll totally run this topic into the ground. You might even say that I’ll … ahem … eggs-haust it.
• Several of the psychics I visited said that I’d use fewer puns in the coming year. Shysters.
• I’ll finally break down and buy a new iMac, an act that will occur simultaneously with the announcement of the new, improved, makes-the-old-ones-embarrassingly-obsolete iMac.
• Banjo. While on tour last summer I mentioned to someone that I was renovating a house in a rural area with a front porch on it, so I should, ha ha, probably get a banjo.
This person replied, “I have a banjo that I’m not using. Want it?” Duh. So I crossed the U.S.-Canada border with a banjo in my passenger seat, as opposed to my knee, which is more dangerous than texting. It’s been sitting in the corner ever since, patiently waiting for me to get pickin’. According to the metaphysical experts, I will learn exactly one song this year, and it will most likely be “Cluck Old Hen.” I hope they’re right about this one, as I recently learned that it’s a legal requirement in my county that people with porches be required to play a song on the banjo. Seriously. There are county inspectors and everything.
• I will go through all of 2012 and not paint that one little spot, that bit of baseboard trim that I missed during the initial renovation painting and promised myself that I’d get to later in the day. Well, I didn’t, and the word in the heavens is that I won’t. I asked if I’d ever get around to painting it, and each time the psychic shifted uneasily and changed the subject.
• I have a cat. I will write about this cat, despite promising many times (in writing) that I will not write about my cat, because I realize that nobody cares about other people’s cats. The psychics talked so long about me writing about my cat that even I got sick of hearing about it. Enough about my cat, already! On a fascinating, cat-related side note – I’m not sure that my cat has ever even seen a chicken, though I’ve shown her pictures, so I suppose a formal introduction will be in order. That’ll go smoothly, right?
• I’ll buy the just-announced, brand new, didn’t exist last week iGizmo. While it’s still on the FedEx truck it’ll be replaced by the iDoohickey. I’ll get one of them, too. Because it’s the future – it’s 2012! – and I need it.
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