Barry Smith: Irrelativity |

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Barry Smith
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
Jordan Curet The Aspen Times
ALL | The Aspen Times

This is our first Christmas in our new town of Paonia, and it’s not off to a good start.

Looks like we’ve unknowingly moved into that block that really goes big with the decorating. One neighbor has outlined his entire house with green and purple lights, right down to the brick patterns in his chimney. Another one has a Nativity scene with live animals. There should be a disclosure law regarding this. I don’t want to be the holdout humbug neighbor, so I’m hoping the motion-activated flood light we just installed in the driveway will somehow pass as festive.

Meanwhile … it’s here! You know, the annual Christmas letter from my Aunt Faye in Hushpuckena, Miss. …

• • • •

Merry Christmas, y’all,

Well, Lordy, here it is, another year come and gone! Can you believe it? I have so much to tell, but I should start with what you’re probably wondering about – that Internet thing of mine that went “virus.”

In case y’all’ve been hiding under a rock and hadn’t seen it already, well … I had a l’il something go wrong back in October while I was on “Fishin’ A.M.” I was there promotin’ my cookbook, “First, You Get Your Grease Real Hot” (fourth edition!). I was supposed to be making hush puppies in their studio kitchen, and danged if the place ain’t so tiny that the host stood too close to the burner and caught his overalls on fire. He was running around yelling, “Oooh, hot! Oooh, hot!” till the weatherman finally threw a box of baking soda on him. He was OK, just a little bit singed. Good thing there was so much tobacco spit in his beard, else it woulda caught fire, too.

Well, somebody put the video on Youtubes, and then they made a song out of it. It has me saying “hush puppies” over and over again, and the host is singing “Oooh, hot!” like a background singer, and it’s all set to that music that the kids like, and, well, it was kinda embarrassing. At first, anyway. But then I started getting lots and lots of people coming to to my web place,, and ordering books like crazy! I think we’re gonna need a fifth printing real soon. And this time I’m gonna include color pictures, even though most all of the food is brown.

And speaking of the Internet, I got a computer email last week that might just change things for me and Uncle Clyde in a big old way. It’s kind of a long story, but Mr. Immanuel Agyei, some bigwig at the EcoBank Gh Ltd. in Accra-Ghana, West Africa, found a whole bunch of money and wants to up and give it to me and Clyde. And listen here – it’s $14 million! Lordy! Wants to transfer it right into our bank account, too, so we don’t even have to go to Africa. Which is good, ’cause with Clyde’s hemorrhoids acting up the way they have been I don’t think he could sit in an airplane seat for longer than 20 minutes, not for $14 million or nothing.

So next year’s Christmas letter might be written on some real fancy paper!

Oh, and here’s the real big news: Skeeter has done got engaged! Yep, our little boy told us just last week that he proposed to Lilly Ann McGhehee. Yes, THAT Lilly Ann McGhehee, whose family owns “McGhehee’s Y’all-Cum-N-Pet” petting zoo out in Rosedale. Her daddy, Clem, is getting’ on, so I reckon that Skeeter and Lilly Ann will be taking over the pettin’ zoo soon enough. Y’all know how Skeeter has always been fond of animals – he still gets all dreamy eyed when he talks about goats. She’s a real nice girl, Lilly Ann, and pretty, too, in her own way, bless her heart. They ain’t set a date yet, but Skeeter says it’ll have to be after calving season next year.

Y’all have a Merry Christmas, y’hear?


Aunt Faye and Uncle Clyde

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