Barry Smith: Irrelativity | AspenTimes.com

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Barry Smith
The Aspen Times
Aspen CO Colorado
Jordan Curet The Aspen Times
ALL | The Aspen Times

NOTE: Here’s the cry for help I sent out to my friends for my upcoming move. By the time you read this the move will have happened, so don’t bother showing up to help – though I appreciate the thought.

Hello Friends,

This being off season in Aspen and all, I realize that many of you are leaving town this week. Well, guess what – so are we.

Only we’re not coming back.

After 20 years in the valley, 15 of them in our sweet little West End caretaking gig, we’re now under new management and have been asked to git along. So we’re headed for greener pastures. And that’s not me being bitter, either. It’s a simple matter of hue. The pastures really are greener where we’re headed. I tested.

Where we’re headed is Paonia. Or, as we like to call it, the Carbondale of Carbondale. In fact, we’re headed there this weekend.

I know what you’re thinking – “This weekend? That’s soon!” Yeah, you got that right. It is soon. So soon, in fact, that I really don’t have time to be writing this right now, and am only doing so in hopes that I can somehow also use it as my weekly column. Really, at this moment I need to be putting everything I own into boxes then writing “stuff” on the outside of them. So forgive me if I get right to the point.

We want you to help us move.

I know this is the call to arms that every friend dreads, and that you’re already thinking about how to get out of it. Moab, right? Yeah, suddenly everyone I know will be in Moab on the same weekend. “Sorry, Barry. Maybe next time … remember to lift with your legs.”

But before you totally commit to bailing on this, allow me to list a few reasons why you’ll REALLY want to stop by this weekend.

1. You know that I’d do the same for you. (If you are one of the people for whom I’ve actually NOT done the same for, go ahead and skip to No. 2.)

2. There’ll be snacks. Obviously we won’t be making any fresh bruschetta or anything – our entire kitchen will be packed up. The snacks will probably be chips and hummus from Clark’s. Sure, you could probably go and buy your own chips and hummus and eat it in the relaxing, moving-box-free comfort of your Moab campsite, but c’mon … how much fun would THAT be?

3. Haven’t I been a good friend? You owe me. You freakin’ owe me!

4. Ski season is over, but hiking/biking/climbing/etc. season is beginning. Consider the core-strengthening benefits of carrying boxes full of crap from our living room into an awaiting U-Haul. If you did this at Jean-Robert’s gym it would be called “Trans-locational-pilates” and it would cost you $500. I’m offering this for free! You’re welcome.

5. Since we didn’t have time to have an actual going-away party, this will be a great opportunity for you come by and tell us how much you’ll miss us, how this place won’t be the same without us, how it’s the end of an era, and so forth. We’ll respond by reminding you that, hello, a bit more schlepping and a bit less gum-flapping will get us through this day that much sooner. And we love you, too.

6. Snacks. Did I cover that already? Damn.

7. OK, maybe you don’t like me all that much, but what about my wife? You want Christina to be doing all that heavy lifting? ‘Cause I plan on making her do most of the work. I’ll feign illness and she’ll have to move all of my books, and comic books can get pretty heavy. Not a lot you can do about this from Moab, is there?

8. What kind of person lives somewhere for 20 years and can’t get anyone to help him move? The Unabomber comes to mind. But at least he’d have a good excuse – no internet access with which to send out a mass email like this. If nobody shows up to help me move then this means I’m somehow less social than the Unabomber.

9. There’ll be door prizes. Including actual doors. Bring tools.

10. Please.

OK, great! See you there!

Barry and Christina


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