Barry Smith: Irrelativity
The Aspen Times
Aspen CO Colorado
The best thing about history is that it happened when it did. Because if it would have happened, say, now, INSTEAD of then, it would have been totally different …
Jesus: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. For a free sample of ‘Blessed,’ the all-in-one nutritional weight-loss supplement that is helping the multitudes regain control of their eating habits, call the number in your Bible. Side effects may include constipation, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, headache, increased sweating, bizarre behavior, black or bloody or deity-shaped stools, confusion, hallucinations, delusions, memory loss, panic attacks, aggressiveness, passiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being or inability to ask forgiveness for your sins. Call now.”
Patrick Henry: “FWD: FWD: FWD: Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! – I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death. If you agree, forward this message to 10 people within one hour and you’ll have Good Luck! God Bless America!”
Abraham Lincoln: “Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Maybe it’s time you asked your doctor about Mopizadril.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt: “Yesterday, December 7, 1941 – a date which will live in infamy – the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan. Tune in to FOX this Wednesday for ‘Pearl Harbor Shore,’ the saucy war-time reality show, and see who’s dropping the bomb on whom.”
Sir Winston Churchill: “We shall defend our island whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. We shall never surrender. This is Winston Churchill reporting live from Baghdad. Now here’s Ron with sports.”
Martin Luther King Jr.: “I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream that, as a courtesy to those around you, you will all remember to turn off your cell phones, or switch them to vibrate, for the remainder of this rally. I have a dream today …”
John F. Kennedy: “My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you: Ask what you can do for your country. Make sure you log on to our live chat session, happening right now at http://www.asknot.com. Or follow us on Twitter @askalot. Later on in the program we’ll be counting down the top 10 things that you say your country has done for you, so text us your votes now.”
Richard Nixon: “I have fought for what I believe in. I have tried, to the best of my ability, to discharge those duties and meet those responsibilities that were entrusted to me. Sometimes I have succeeded. And sometimes I have failed – ROTFLOL.”
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High Points: Now I don’t want to be an apologist for the Aspen Skiing Company, but to me $199 to ski the crown jewel of American skiing during the height of what is traditionally the busiest time of year is a total bargain.