Barry Smith: Irrelativity | AspenTimes.com
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Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Barry Smith
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
Jordan Curet The Aspen Times
ALL | The Aspen Times

Dear Bad Guru,

Seems like every musical genre has its own rap offshoot – there’s Metal Rap, Christian Rap and even Country Rap – how come there’s no New Age Gangsta Rap?

Signed,

Perplexed Playa in Pine Bluff

Dear Perp,

Funny you should bring this up. My editor tells me that I need to reach out more to “the kids,” so … the Bad Guru’s new CD, “Straight Outta Hamptons,” is about to drop. Here’s a sample from the first single:

“JUSTIFY MY HUG”

Me and Edgar Cayce and my homeboy Seth,

Spent a whole damn weekend doin’ quartz crystal meth.

Holier than thou, holier than thou,

Organic bar-b-que sauce for your sacred cow.

Latte enemas release my rage ,

Cleanse my space with a stick of sage.

Don’t waste time on pharmaceutical tomfoolery,

Alleviate my ailments with turquoise jewelry.

Got a little black book with one hundred incantations,

And the 411 on my prior incarnations.

I read “The 4 Agreements” on the Eightfold Path,

With a 9 in my robe – you can do the #%@ math!

So step the hell off of the Bad Guru,

With my saffron bling and my henna tattoo.

My dope advice put yo ass in a trance,

Other sucka gurus don’t stand a chants.

Dear Bad Guru,

Someone totally stole my yoga mat! How could that even be? I mean, hello, karma! Right?

Signed,

Flexible in Philly

Dear Flexizzle,

True, if there were such a place as Hell, there would be a special place for such a person. An eternity of downward dog in a poorly ventilated room, perhaps. But since afterlife isn’t that simple, you’ll have to comfort yourself with thoughts of the diseases that can be spread by sharing yoga equipment.

As synchronicity would have it, there’s a song about this very topic on my new album. It’s track 7, “Puttin’ the Nasty in Namaste.” In stores soon.

Dear Bad Guru,

Are there alternate universes? Like, in another universe am I cool, and popular, and rich? And can I just kinda go there and, you know, be that?

Signed,

Wanting Out in Washington

Dear Want Dogg,

There are other Universes, but they aren’t exactly alternate ones. They’re more like Remixed Universes. Many believe this is a sign of laziness on the part of the Creator – why make up all new stuff when you can just rearrange what you have? The truth goes much deeper that that, and, guess what, this topic is explored on my new album! It’s the bonus track – “Redundancy Remix Revisited(remix).”

Watch this space for download info.

Dear Bad Guru,

First of all, let me apologize for asking a question that doesn’t allow you to slip in an album plug without a clunky, forced segue…

So … certain people believe that if you get your picture taken, the camera steals your soul. Is there any truth to this, or is it just one of those adorably primitive beliefs that we all like to make fun of?

Signed,

Shutterbug in Selma

Dear Shutter to the Bugg,

The Pentax SG-1500 DSLR is designed specifically to remove the soul of its subject and store it on an SD card (included.) The soul can then be transferred to your personal computer via standard USB cable.

The Bad Guru has not used this product personally, but all the comments on Amazon are positive. The only complaint I’ve read is that occasionally the aura reproduction isn’t accurate, especially if the soul was captured while under fluorescent lighting.

Bad Guru was hoping to get one of these awesome cameras for Christmas, but apparently his rather blatant and constant hints were not heeded. Some people, Bad Guru has observed, only hear what they want to hear.

And speaking of hearing things … uh … you should hear my new album.

Peace out.


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