Barry Smith: Irrelativity
Do you suspect that you might secretly hate Christmas? Wish you could find out, once and for all? Like with a simple quiz? Something like … THE HUMBUG SPECTRUM DISORDER QUIZ• Your first Christmas memory:1. Visions of sugarplums dancing in your head.2. Adults let me have some rum cake! Wheee! 3. Mall Santa halitosis.4. Humiliation/disappointment/bedwetting.• Your most memorable Christmas gift:1. Shiny new bicycle!2. Shiny new cheap plastic crap! 3. Something that was clearly not the pony I SPECIFICALLY asked for.4. Switches/ashes/lump of coal.• (Spoiler alert!) How did you react when you learned that there was no such thing as Santa Clause?1. I was able to easily transition into the reality of the situation while also acknowledging the Santa fantasy for the pleasure it gave me. It’s all part of growing up. 2. I kinda suspected already, as some of the older kids at school were talking about it, but it still hurt when my parents told me. 3. If the people I trust the most can perpetrate such a malicious hoax, then this world is nothing but a cruel and dangerous lie.4. Ambulance/restraints/Thorazine.• When you hear the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause,” do you:1. Sing along with a smile.2. Sing along while playfully rewriting the lyrics, substituting some decidedly non-Christmassy words for “kissing.”3. Throw up in your mouth just a little bit. 4. Throw up in someone else’s mouth, just a little bit.• Mistletoe is:1. A saucy addition to any holiday gathering!2. Proof that humans will adopt the most random actions/beliefs as tradition. 3. A poisonous, parasitic plant that slowly leeches the life from its host tree. Symbolic much?4. Rumored to be hallucinogenic if taken suppositorily. Only one way to find out for sure. C’mere …• When the Christmas carolers knock on your door, you:1. Gather the family on the porch, huddle together and listen, then serve hot cider.2. Politely endure one song, even though it’s pretty chilly outside.3. Say, “Oh, what scary costumes” while handing out candy.4. Feel justified for having bought and trained a German shepherd.• Your favorite holiday “parody” song is:1. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – the one with all the “like a lightbulb” and “like monopoly” asides. So cute! 2. Deck the Halls With Balls of Charlie. Just plain silly.3. Silent Night, Holy #*%$4. I Despise Christmas and It Will Not Be Over Soon Enough For Me (sung to the tune of any song of your choice).• When you see the word “Christmas” written as “X-mas,” you think:1. That’s really a shame that the Baby Jesus has to be X-ed out like that just to save a bit of space. Those responsible will pay for their transgressions.2. No big – I know what they’re trying to say.3. At least it’s better than “Christmizzle.”4. &#@!-mas, more like.• Aside from all the hype, I know that Christmas is really a time for: 1. Family.2. Being extra nice, even to people who don’t deserve it.3. Visiting a Hindu country.4. A soothing mid-December to early-January coma.Scoring time! One point for each “1” answer, two for each “2,” and so on. Now rank yourself accordingly. 1-12 – You are Jolly Old St. Nick. Christmas through and through.13-20 – You are little Ralphie Parker. You love the season, but are still cautious not to put your eye out.21-28 – You are a post-Clarence, pre-bloody-mouthed George Bailey. Christmas, and life in general, would be much better if only you’d dumped those Bedford Falls hicks and followed your dreams.29-32 – You are Ebenezer Scrooge. The Ghost of Christmas Future has just spiked your eggnog with PCP, and it’s time to go flip over some cop cars.Congratulations! Now you know a little bit more about yourself. And remember – a little self-knowledge is a dangerous thing. Merry X-mas!
Barry Smith’s column appears Mondays in The Aspen Times. See more at http://www.barrysmith.com.
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