Barry Smith: Irrelativity | AspenTimes.com

Barry Smith: Irrelativity

Barry Smith
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

Jordan Curet The Aspen Times

Just picked up the new Colorado Mountain College fall catalogue and started circling classes immediately. There’s some really good ones this year. I know this sounds weird, but it’s like the people who put the class schedule together were reading my mind.

In case you want to take some classes with me, here are the ones I’ll be signing up for – but no copying off my test!

COMP 121 – “Sucking Precious Life Energy with Social Media”

“Social Media” is a powerful tool for marketing and networking, but did you know it’s also a great way to fritter away your fleeting days on the planet by searching out people from high school who you didn’t like that much to begin with? This class will teach you to curb your impulse for productivity and focus and channel it into a life that becomes nothing more than one continual New Media Lost Weekend.

Prerequisite: Being alive in the 21st century.

COMP 202 – “How to Watch Every Single Episode of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ Online, For Free”

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Perhaps you missed the adventures of Buffy and her pals the first time around, or just want to revisit the cult hit. Well, thanks to modern technology you can watch all 144 episodes online. For free. But you have to know where to look. This class will explore some possibilities, including Googling “Watch Buffy for free.” Show up in costume the first day for extra credit.

Prerequisite: Ability to justify watching 144 episodes of Buffy, free or otherwise. Pretty easy, actually.

FIT 115 – “Talk About Riding Your Bike A Lot More Than You Actually Ride Your Bike”

So, you’ve got a fancy new mountain bike. You’ve taken pictures of it and sent them to your friends and made one of them your Facebook profile pic. You even got yourself some spiffy biking clothes and an expensive Camelbak. Now what? Well … nothing. Relax. You’re done. Students can expect to learn techniques and approaches to the conversational art of avoiding outdoor leisure while making themselves appear to be “outdoorsy.”

Prerequisite: FIT 114 – “Talk About Snowboarding More Than You Actually Snowboard”

FIT 122 – “Posture Yoga”

No need to bring a mat, towel or water bottle, as this course meets in a regular old classroom. Students will spend two hours each week slouching in their chair while the instructor yells “Sit up straight!” There will be one Saturday half-day field trip to a place with different chairs.

Prerequisite: Being alive in the 21st century.

BUS 214 – “Motivational Metaphors For Those Who Can No Longer Digest Dairy Products”

The “rat in the maze searching for his cheese” is a powerful and easily-relatable metaphor for our futile attempts to “get ahead” in life. But what if, due to certain gradual bodily changes, you can no longer eat cheese? Then you (the rat) are no longer sure of your motivation and will have no reason to run through the maze. Which is kind of the whole point of the metaphor, when you think about it, right? You eventually want to get to a place in life where you don’t WANT to run through the maze anymore. You should be seeking your reward from within, not from a pathetic lump of cheese administered by some lab coat-clad scientist with a clipboard and a research grant. Anyway, you’re probably not that concerned with the sudden narrowing of relatable metaphors so much as just upset that you can’t eat cheese anymore. Everyone around you indulges in their dairy orgy while you to muddle through your sad, pizza-free existence. Bogus.

Prerequisite: Whatever.

SOC 301 – “Hey … Nice To See You … Dude … – Small-Town Social Skills.”

Small-town living means seeing the same people over and over again, and sometimes you just can’t remember their names. But they seem to know your name, so what’s your excuse? This class will not focus on memory improvement but on tools and techniques for covering up for the fact that you don’t have a clue as to the name of the person who just said hello to you. Text required.

Prerequisite: SOC 260 – “Uh … Have You Two Met?”