Barry Smith: Irrealitivity
WHO WOULD EVER HAVE GUESSED?* Ketchup removes stains from white clothing. Well, not “removes,” exactly, but will take some of the attention away from the ones that aren’t made of ketchup.* Pam cooking spray will dry finger-nail polish and speed up the destruction of the ozone layer. Remember the ozone layer? It’s what everybody talked about before they started saying “carbon footprint.” Anyway, a world without an ozone layer is a world where nail polish dries quickly. You can’t lose.* Cool Whip will temporarily disguise melanoma.* Mayonnaise will kill lice; it will also condition your hair. You should probably deal with the lice thing before you concern yourself with bouncin’ and behavin’ hair.* Puffy eyes? Use Preparation H. Probably want to start with a new tube, though.* Yappy neighborhood dog? Use an ordinary rock.* Angry neighbor? Handgun.* Heavy dandruff? Lucky you – dandruff will remove ink from the face of dolls.* Stinky feet? Mix Jell-O with WD-40 with Worcestershire Sauce with bleu cheese. * Superpower nation invading your country for strategic political and economic gain under the guise of spreading democracy, or whatever? Use cornstarch.* Crayon on the wall? Colgate toothpaste.* Toothpaste on the wall? Paint.* Dirty grout? Napalm.* Protein stains? Thrift store.* Dirty meth lab? Cornstarch. * Blood-stained clothes, hands, car, carpet, garage, foyer and basement? Use Pam cooking spray. * Disposing of a body? Cornstarch.* Kool-Aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section & run a cycle. Also cleans a toilet. Also guides you through these times of economic downturn. * Kool-Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint – your kids will love it, and it wont hurt them if they eat it. And if they eat it and throw up, it will clean the toilet.* Male pattern baldness? Kool-Aid. * Hiding income on tax return? Hair spray and milk of magnesia. * Embalming a loved one? Clorox and two Bayer aspirin.* Peanut butter? Will get scratches out of CDs! Will remove labels from glassware. Will back up your computer data. * Gnawing guilt? Cornstarch. * Break one or more of the Ten Commandments? Use Bounce fabric softener and two Efferdent tablets. And cornstarch.* Unable to experience happiness despite having spent your life surrounding yourself with all the material luxuries a modern, first-world existence has to offer? Yep … cornstarch.* To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with dingo excrement.* Constipated dingo? Use Kool-Aid. Or was it Cool Whip?* Wine stains. Pour on the Morton’s and watch it absorb into the salt.* Salt stains? Use cornstarch.* Cornstarch stains? Use cornstarch.* Sticking bicycle chain? Try peanut butter. Or Crisco. Or Pam cooking spray. Or Coca Cola. Or Kool-Aid. Or cornstarch. Or, here’s a crazy idea – try some bike chain lubricant!* Chain lubricant stains? You’ll live.
Barry Smith’s column appears Mondays in The Aspen Times.
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COVID-19, along with other stressors, has led to an increase in domestic violence, and area nonprofits want anyone who needs help to know they are available.