Barry Smith: Dear Bad Guru | AspenTimes.com

Barry Smith: Dear Bad Guru

Dear Bad Guru:

I’m looking for some type of activity that is really good for my mind, body and spirit. I keep hearing that yoga is the way to go. I haven’t tried it yet, but am seriously considering it. Any suggestions?

Inflexible in Indiana

Dear Inflexible:

The natural physical state of the human body is thus: sitting, in a reasonably comfortable chair, hunched slightly forward toward a computer screen. Yoga involves sitting on the floor with your arms and legs all tweaked around.

So, think about what you are asking me: “Is it good for me to sit around for an hour with my body all contorted while somebody rings a little bell in my ear?”

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In return I ask you: How much do you think your mind, body and/or spirit will appreciate a big-ass Charlie horse in your leg? This question is one which each of us must eventually answer for ourselves.

Dear Bad Guru:

Does my breathing pattern affect my chances of enlightenment?

Respiratory in Reseda

Dear Res:

Yes, a few months of long, deep, conscious, cleansing breaths – in through the nose, out through the mouth – will virtually guarantee enlightenment.

But are you sure enlightenment is for you? Does sitting on top of a mountain wearing a diaper really sound like a sound career option? True, you are your own boss, but there’s little room for advancement.

Bad Guru recommends a lifetime of hasty, shallow breaths with your mouth hanging slightly open and a job where you can drink during lunch.

Enlightenment is highly overrated, in my opinion. Think of all the people you know who really think that they are more enlightened than you. Is there anyone you can think of who is more annoying? This question is one which each of us can only answer for ourselves.

Dear Bad Guru:

Where is my wallet?

Perplexed in Plainview

Dear Perp:

Ahhh, excellent question, my child.

The attention you give your wallet is the attention you give your life. You are currently missing your wallet, which is your wallet’s way of telling you that you are missing something in your life.

Did you have cash in your wallet? How much or how little is an indicator of how much life you have in your spirit.

Your wallet, like your life, is where you left it.

So, where is your life? This question is one which each of us can only answer for ourselves.

Dear Bad Guru:

Oh, you were right, here it is. It was in my other pants. Is that symbolic or something?

Perplexed, but Relieved, in Plainview

Dear Perp:

Pants can either reveal or retain, depending on their cut. If you continue to leave your wallet (symbolizing your life) in your other pants (symbolic substitute for your current pants), then you are faced with what Bad Guru calls the PRETTY BIG DECISION – either get another wallet, or get rid of the extra pants. This decision is one which each of us can only make for ourselves.

Dear Swami of Sarcasm:

My girlfriend wrote you a letter asking about incense and you went off on some bogus tangent and ended up telling her to dump me. So she did, and I’m pissed. My question is: Are you ready for your holy beat down?

Too Angry To Come Up With A Modifier in Milwaukee

Dear Unmodified:

Many of us go through life just “putting out the fires” of our day-to-day existence, never taking time to really decide what kind of life experience we are seeking. The aura of your e-mail suggests that you are such a person.

You are not the first to want a piece of Bad Guru, so I suggest you do like the others – take a number and get in line, punk. You may wonder why you need to actually get in line if you have taken a number, or vice versa. This question is one which each of us can only answer for ourselves.

Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Monday and Thursday. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com.