Another sinner is saved
On any given day I get plenty of SPAM e-mails offering to help lower my weight, raise my sales, increase my manhood and reduce my debt. But now the spammers are after my soul.Recently I received a bit of SPAM that was almost perfectly disguised as an e-mail from an actual human being trying to save me, personally, from the life of eternal damnation that I, specifically, am clearly headed for.The only thing is that at the bottom of this e-mail were the words “profession asleep appropriable kidnapped between coauthor herculean emit cupid artificial insert pseudo conundrum retrieve coniferous.” I’m pretty sure that this was generated by the SPAM software being used, though it could have been one of those examples of “typing in tongues.”I have reprinted this soul-SPAM in its entirety, with my witty and insightful comments in [brackets].From: Sherry HessSubject: Be ready for the here afterIf your not saved you really need to be.[Really? You don’t think God will allow me to skip the whole “saved” thing and coast by on my understanding of the difference between “your” and “you’re?” And, for that matter, “here after” and “hereafter.”]Eternity is just too long of a time.[You’re telling me!]Do not spend it in hell.[Well, of course not. Who’d want to spend eternity in hell? I’m planning on wintering there.]Contact a local church or call a prayer line today do not put it off.[OK, I just had this thought: If I call this prayer line from my cell phone while driving, and as a result of trying to multitask I crash my car and die BEFORE I actually get around to being officially “saved” (I assume there would be a bit of chit-chat before we got down to praying) thereby spending all of eternity in hell because I died before being forgiven, well, that would be ironic, wouldn’t it? And I don’t mean “ironic” the way many people use “ironic” – as just another way of saying “weird” – but real, honest-to-goodness textbook irony.]This prayer can save you:Say, “Oh God, save my soul.”[Oh, God, save my soul. Or, if that’s too much work, maybe you could send down those Powerball numbers I keep asking for.]”I’m so sorry that I have sinned against you, but I have come home.” [It’s good to be home. Wow, I really like what you’ve done with the place. Is that real gold?]”I will serve you, Lord, the rest of my life.”[Before I tell you about the specials could I start you off with a drink?]”Deliver me from all my sinful habits.”[Well, maybe not ALL of them. A few are still working pretty well for me. Blasphemy, for example.]”Set me free!”[Ahem … set me free. Wait, let me try that again … set me free. See, I’m just not feeling it. Is there some way I could get James Brown to do this line for me?]”I do believe Jesus died on Calvary for me, and I believe in His blood, that there is power in His blood to wash away all my sins, all my sins!” [God is obviously a big fan of repetition. Of repetition.]Say, “Come into my heart, Jesus; come on in, Jesus. Come on in!”[No, really, come on in. Here, let me take those sandals for you. You must be exhausted after that whole resurrection thing. Have a seat. I just pulled some jalapeno poppers out of the toaster oven.]If you meant it, He has come. [I understand the need for sincerity: If I was faking it, he wouldn’t have come.]If you meant it, Jesus is yours. [OK, already! I meant it! Why would I joke about something like this?]Start reading your Bible, pray daily and believe that somebody’s listening; His name is Jesus.[Oh, I believe that somebody’s listening. His name is Ashcroft.]Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com
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