Andy Stone: A Stone’s Throw |

Andy Stone: A Stone’s Throw

Andy Stone
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

Hey everybody! This is “Walk a Mile in the Other Guy’s Shoes” week.

You know how that one goes: “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey.

So anyway, this week, after an overdose of Republican debates and an unwise 15 minutes listening to Rush Limbaugh, I’m going to think like a Republican. (With explanations, just to show this isn’t some kind of sleazy cheap-shot affair.)

All right! Here we go … I gaze out over the landscape, and I see:

1. Mitt Romney’s father, George, was an illegal immigrant! From Mexico! Mitt was an “anchor baby”!

Explanation: Mitt Romney’s great-grandfather (and his three wives) left the United States in the 1880s and moved to Mexico so they could practice their Mormon brand of polygamy. Mitt’s father, George, was born in Mexico in 1907. His family fled back to the U.S. when the revolution broke out in 1912. And, according to respected journalist Andrea Mitchell, the Romney family’s speedy immigration was done without proper legal niceties. So George Romney was an illegal immigrant, and Willard “Mitt” Romney was clearly an “anchor baby,” born in the U.S. to guarantee his family’s ability to stay in the country.

Interesting side notes: George Romney, illegal immigrant, sponged off the country, living on welfare after his illegal entry to the United States. Then, years later, he ran for the Republican presidential nomination. But, since he was born outside the country, George was obviously not a “natural-born citizen.” So he would not have been a legal presidential candidate. (Where’s the birth certificate?)

OK! That was fun. Let’s try another.

2. The Republican Party deliberately sabotaged the Keystone XL pipeline! That pipeline would have brought vital Canadian oil to our petroleum-starved nation – and would have provided tens of thousands of American jobs!

Explanation: When the Republicans agreed to the payroll tax cut extension, they insisted on a provision that required a decision on the Keystone pipeline within 60 days even though they had been told that meeting that deadline would legally require a rejection of the pipeline. A State Department spokesman said the 60-day limit “would prohibit the department from acting consistently with National Environmental Policy Act requirements. (So) the department would be unable to … issue a permit for this project.” The Republicans aren’t fools. They knew what they were doing. They killed that project! On purpose!

Interesting side note: Why did they do it – aside from hating America? They did it to protect their Iranian allies’ oil market by keeping the U.S. from developing its own oil resources. Wait! “The Republicans Iranian allies”? Indeed. Read our next item.

3. Iran supports the Republicans in this year’s U.S. presidential election!

Explanation: Iran is threatening to block the Strait of Hormuz, which will disrupt oil shipments from the Middle East and send oil prices soaring. Soaring oil prices will sabotage the ongoing recovery in the U.S. economy – and if the economy hits the skids Obama’s chances of getting re-elected are virtually zero. So ignore any talk about U.S. sanctions leading Iran to block the straits. It’s pure politics. Iran backs the Republicans (and so the Republicans block the oil pipeline. See No. 2 above.)

Interesting side note: Iran has favored the Republicans in previous U.S. presidential elections. As everyone knows, in 1980, the Iranian government delayed the release of the American hostages it held in order to help Ronald Reagan defeat Jimmy Carter. And speaking of Ronald Reagan …

4. Ronald Reagan was a Socialist who fought to destroy capitalism and the American way of life!

Explanation: In 1986, President Reagan boldly affixed his signature to the Tax Reform Act, which eliminated – completely eliminated! – the tax break on capital gains. And, as we all know, the capital gains tax break is a vital part of encouraging investment by people with money. (And people without money just don’t invest, do they?) What’s worse, as if that wasn’t anti-capitalistic enough, in that same tax bill, Reagan raised taxes on corporations by $120 billion – that’s right, raised corporate taxes by $120 billion! Clearly the man hated capitalism and did his best to destroy it.

Interesting side note: Reagan’s anti-capitalism tax bill (cleverly disguised by the Communist “big lie” technique of calling it “Reagan’s second tax cut”) increased the tax deduction for home mortgage interest. And this, again as we all know, was part of the slippery slope that lead directly to the housing bubble and housing crash of 2008.

5. The National Football League is a totally Socialist organization!

Explanation: The league …

What? You’ve heard enough? You don’t believe me?

But it’s all true.

Look, Rush Limbaugh can say that Obama is entirely to blame for the economic crisis and the destruction of the U.S. housing market. And he can say that the millions of layoffs between November 2008 and Obama’s inauguration in January 2009 were caused by businesses preparing for the new Socialist president’s planned destruction of the U.S. economy. (And Limbaugh did say all that – I heard him.)

So certainly I can say everything above – which is all clearly documented.

Hey! Stick around. I haven’t gotten to the really interesting stuff.

Did you know that Newt Gingrich strangles newborn kittens with his bare hands? To get the fresh blood his zombie wife needs to keep her alive?

OK – that’s not documented. But it’s at least as true as anything Limbaugh said.

Come on. We’re all just thinking like Republicans here. Right?

Support Local Journalism

Support Local Journalism

Readers around Aspen and Snowmass Village make the Aspen Times’ work possible. Your financial contribution supports our efforts to deliver quality, locally relevant journalism.

Now more than ever, your support is critical to help us keep our community informed about the evolving coronavirus pandemic and the impact it is having locally. Every contribution, however large or small, will make a difference.

Each donation will be used exclusively for the development and creation of increased news coverage.

For tax deductible donations, click here.

Start a dialogue, stay on topic and be civil.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.

User Legend: iconModerator iconTrusted User