Andy Stone: A Stone’s Throw |

Andy Stone: A Stone’s Throw

Andy Stone
The Aspen Times
Aspen CO Colorado

Last week, just for fun – and just because it’s as easy as taking candy from a baby … OK. Wait a minute! I’ll get right back to my point, I promise, but first I have to ask: What’s so easy about taking candy from a baby? The little buggers starting shrieking the moment you grab the damn candy – and then their parents go ballistic with that “I can kill you because I’m just protecting my infant” attitude that makes rational discussion so difficult. I mean, just try explaining to a self-righteously homicidal parent in infant-protection mode that their kid is pretty chubby and shouldn’t be eating candy – so you’re really doing them all a favor. And what about childhood obesity? And diabetes? Besides, any candy you get from a baby is going to be a goopy mess of drool and whatever nasty stuff is always running out of their little noses. Yuk! “Candy from a baby?” No thanks.

So anyway, speaking of babies brings us back to my subject: last week’s column in which, just for fun, I spent a little time mocking America’s favorite cry-like-a-baby TV personality, Glenn Beck.

And since it was so easy and so much fun (and because my editor said, “Making fun of Glenn Beck is always a good idea”), I thought I’d try it again this week.

I figured I do one of those loony, satiric riffs where you grab someone’s nuttiest statements and take them even further, take them so far that it all becomes ridiculous and everyone can see how crazy he is.

You know, like pretending you’re such a crazed right-winger that you say, “Dwight Eisenhower was a conscious, dedicated agent of the Communist conspiracy.” (Wait, the founder of the John Birch Society actually did say that. Oh well. You know what I mean.)

So I started writing a scenario in which Mr. Beck focused his intellect on the current crisis in Wisconsin – in which the governor wants to pretty much abolish public employees’ unions, so he can cut wages and benefits and reduce (if only a tiny bit) the state’s budget deficit.

In my wild imaginings, Beck would try to link the Wisconsin union protests to the Muslim Brotherhood’s plan for global domination, Sharia law, a turban on every head and an Islamic Caliphate on every block.

In other words, completely crazy.

I knew that Beck had gone pretty far. Last week I quoted his claims that the unrest in Egypt would ultimately turn Spain, France, England and Germany into an Islamic Caliphate, while China took over New Zealand and Russia swept into the Netherlands.

But I still thought that the Wisconsin connection would be loony enough to make my point.

So there I was, imagining Mr. Beck lecturing on that Wisconsin Caliphate. And then I checked the Internet and … I found video clips of Glenn Beck explaining how the forces of evil are “looking to create chaos” through the demonstrations in Wisconsin – and it’s all part of their plan for global domination and that pesky Caliphate.

I give up. You can’t mock the man.

It’s like trying to take candy away from a baby: You wind up covered in drool and snot, with a nasty headache from all the shrieking.

And worse. I admit I watched enough of the Beck video to hear him interviewing an “expert on the anti-Christ” who has written a widely read article entitled, “What Obama and the Anti-Christ Have in Common.”

And somehow all of that tied right back into Wisconsin and that darn Caliphate. (And did you ever stop to notice that Caliphate and California both start with “Cali”? Hmmm. And “Cali” is almost the same as “Kali” – that’s Kali the Destroyer, the Hindu Dark Mother Goddess, consort of Shiva, Lord of Death.)

Pay attention, people. This is important. (That’s what Glenn Beck says.)

And now, I think, we can see what’s actually going on in Wisconsin.

If the members of the public employees unions are really the edge of the wedge of destruction, then – and only then – does the Governor’s stand make sense.

Here’s the heart of the matter: The governor wants to eliminate the public unions as the first step toward cutting public workers’ benefits. He has to, because, if the unions still existed in any serious way, they would fight those cuts.

But wait! The unions have already essentially agreed to the cuts that the governor wants.

So, compromise, agreement. Right? Nope. When he was asked (on Fox News, by Chris Wallace) if he would accept that offer and stop his efforts to outlaw the unions, the Gov said, quite simply, “No.” Just like that.

So he can get what he wants without killing the unions and the Governor still insists that the unions have got to go.

To some reasonable people, that might seem like madness. Or, at least, an admission that the governor doesn’t really care about the budget deficit (after all, he pushed through some significant tax breaks that cost the state more than he’s trying to get from the unions).

He just wants to stomp the unions.

It could mean that.

Or it could mean, as Glenn Beck and I (together!) have just revealed, that the unions have got to die because they are conscious agents of the Global Muslim Caliphate.

Or, perhaps, you could take this opinion from an old politician:

“Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes that you can do these things. Among them are … a few Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid.”

Those harsh words come from President Eisenhower.

Who is, of course, a conscious agent of the international Communist Conspiracy.


Support Local Journalism

Support Local Journalism

Readers around Aspen and Snowmass Village make the Aspen Times’ work possible. Your financial contribution supports our efforts to deliver quality, locally relevant journalism.

Now more than ever, your support is critical to help us keep our community informed about the evolving coronavirus pandemic and the impact it is having locally. Every contribution, however large or small, will make a difference.

Each donation will be used exclusively for the development and creation of increased news coverage.

For tax deductible donations, click here.

Start a dialogue, stay on topic and be civil.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.

User Legend: iconModerator iconTrusted User