Amminadab not all he’s cracked up to be
In case you’re just joining us …There was a Jehovah’s Witness-related incident: They asked me what I thought of the Bible, I joked that the yellow pages were probably a more valid, certainly more current, source of practical guidance. They were not amused.Since then I’ve been occasionally putting that snide comment/progressive theory to the test – that guidance is available nearly everywhere you look – and this week I’m continuing to pit the Bible against the signs located around my health club.BIBLE: Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”HEALTH CLUB SIGN: (On the Stairmaster) “Stop Climbing If You Don’t Feel Well”ANALYSIS: Well, that’s a close one, I’ll admit. If the Bible is to be believed, then waiting upon the Lord (“Are you ready to order, Sir?”) will give you eagle’s wings, which could certainly come in handy, especially during a cardio workout. However, I think that, in the throes of a Stairmaster session, simpler is better. I mean, if I’m 20 minutes into it and I start to feel a tingling in my arm, I don’t think flipping through the Bible for advice is advisable.BIBLE: Matthew 7:12 “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.”HEALTH CLUB SIGN: (Next to the stereo switcher) “Please Be Considerate Of Others When Changing The Channel Or Adjusting The Volume.”ANALYSIS: I think this so-called Golden Rule is a flawed bit of philosophy, because YOUR idea of what you would like done unto ye may be vastly different than what I would like done unto me. And nowhere is this more clear than in the case of the health club entertainment center, where the so-called prophets clearly never spent any time. YOU may think that someone coming in and abruptly switching the DMX from the Reggae channel to Contemporary Christian Rock while you’re doing dumbbell flies would be a good thing, but I think that this would sucketh.Sorry, Bible, but the entertainment options have changed radically since you were written.BIBLE: Ruth 4:18-21 “Now these are the generations of Pharez: Pharez begat Hezron, and Hezron begat Ram, and Ram begat Amminadab, and Amminadab begat Nahshon, and Nahshon begat Salmon, and Salmon begat Boaz, and Boaz begat Obed …”HEALTH CLUB SIGN: “Do Not Attempt To Free Any Jammed Part By Yourself”ANALYSIS: Here’s the scenario: I’m finishing up my final set of tricep pull-downs when suddenly the machine locks up and the weights are frozen in midair. Now, the decision I have to make is a simple one – do I fish around under a stack of weights that could easily crush every bone in my hand, or do I ask someone to help me? Does the fact that Amminadab begat Nahshon really help me make a wise choice? Well, maybe … if I knew Amminadab personally, and knew that he once attempted something very similar and subsequently ruined his career as a violinist. But I’m thinking that the “Do Not Attempt …” sign would be the most relevant thing to catch my eye at that moment.BIBLE: Matthew 5:10 “Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”HEALTH CLUB SIGN: “This Door Is To Remain Unlocked During Business Hours”ANALYSIS: Persecution sounds like a total drag, even with this “kingdom of heaven” promise. I’d much rather slip out the unlocked door.Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com
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