Alison Berkley: The Princess’ Palate
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
I have an idea. Instead of Lance Armstrong Day, let’s have Aspen Princess Day.
If I would’ve known you can run around creating holidays just like that, I would have talked to City Council years ago. I mean, think of all the fun you can have, especially when you get to invite celebrities to be involved. I’m sure that’s why guys like Lance Armstrong move here, so they can get more attention than they do already, especially when they are doing stuff like seeing what it feels like to not win the Tour de France.
Since Aspen has a long-standing history of spoiled women who get everything they want, honoring Princesses is totally appropriate. Anyone who has lived here part time since 2008 is eligible to take part.
The celebrities I would choose for my day are Luke and Owen Wilson. They don’t have a house here, and they didn’t have a baby here, and I’m pretty sure the only bikes they ride are motorized or maybe they have beach cruisers, but still.
They have been here a few times, and maybe they would want to hang out in Aspen even more if we featured them on a holiday that we invented and the City Council approved. If they can’t do it, we’ll find someone like Lance who has been featured in tabloid magazines because of his controversial love life. Women in Aspen love men like that.
Men like Lance are a challenge, you see, and we girls here in Aspen like a little challenge. Because we are all essentially spoiled, sheltered little brats, and we only want what it is we can’t have. OK, I can only speak for myself, but I’ve met a few others who I think can relate to me.
I’m not trying to take anything away from Lance In My Pants. I get it that he’s a big bike stud and is one of the greatest athletes of all time who has been a legendary spokesperson for cancer. I also understand that there are some people in this town who might have a little Man Crush on him, what with him having those clean-shaven legs and beautiful calf muscles and all that. His chiseled features and intense stare that says “I get what I want” did not escape me either.
And of course I’m all for raising awareness for cancer survivors. Hello, that’s how I had a party for myself in the first place, back in ’05 when we did the Princess in Pink party to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. It was cool that we raised over $20,000, but even better was I got to ride on the shoulders of the Gentleman of Aspen rugby team wearing a silk robe, blonde hair extensions and stiletto heels from Prada. My mom said she felt like she was at my wedding. I’d be happy to come up with some nonprofit as an excuse to hang out with celebrities, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. That way everybody wins.
So if Lance needs a little time to recoup after doing all that pedaling through the Old Country, I’d be more than happy to step in and organize another holiday that local Aspen ladies might enjoy.
Aspen Princess Day would of course kick off with a big parade through the whole town so all the hot chicks could show off their latest designer clothing purchases/cosmetic enhancement surgeries/newest husband/foreign import SUV.
Then we could find the aforementioned hot celebrity to just sit and watch them go by, since that is all any of us really wants in the first place, to be looked at and admired. The ladies would parade right by the celebrity and pretend they don’t notice them or know that they are famous, since that’s what you’re supposed to do when you see a movie star in Aspen, right? Like, we want to make them feel all comfortable and normal, so we’re supposed to treat them like everyone else. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that goes for the mayor as well.
Of course I’ve been star-struck just like Mickey did with Lance Romance. I actually met Owen and Luke Wilson once at Cooper Street Pier and made the mistake of offering Owen a shot of tequila, which he politely declined. Sorry, god! I was just trying to make him feel welcome in our town.
Then I saw Sarah Jessica Parker, and thinking she was actually Carrie Bradshaw, I approached her on the street, all prepared to tell her that I also indeed write a column that is sometimes about sex. When her bodyguards saw me coming, they yelled, “Incoming!” grabbed her by the bony elbow and ran the other way. She wasn’t as pretty in real life anyway.
Ryan said Kevin Costner was at the eye doctor’s office the other day, but he didn’t even recognize him until one of the staff said, “I’m sorry for the wait, but Kevin Costner is here today and you know how celebrities are.” When Mr. Costner came out of the appointment, one of the ladies in the office asked him for a photo for her daughter or something. So I guess everyone violates that rule now and again, even if they’re not in public office.
I can sort of relate to how these celebrities must feel. I get recognized all the time. Like, last week, the Aspen Daily News listed me as a “prominent local citizen” in an embarrassing article about property assessments. And just today I was invited to take part in the “Celebrity Mowdown” at this year’s community picnic. Of course I was happy to participate, even if I’m not getting paid for it, just like Lance Tour de France.
I don’t blame Lance for not wanting to deal with the whole holiday thing right now. I just wanted to let him know I’d be more than happy to fill in and take his place.
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