Alison Berkley: Status quo vs. self-improvement |

Alison Berkley: Status quo vs. self-improvement

New Year’s resolutions my butt ” as far as I can tell, all the New Year does is force you to acknowledge all your wrong-doings so you can pretend that you’re not going to do it all over again next year. Yeah, right!

Believe-you-me I’ve made plenty of mistakes in the past year and suffered the blow of their consequences, wallowing in guilt like every good little Jewish girl knows how to do. The Catholics have the whole heaven-and-hell thing to keep them in check, but us Jews only have our mothers and grandmothers to remind us of our sins.

And there’s no getting out of it at confession. Instead of going into one of those closets with the priest on the other side of that little cage thing, we call our mothers for another hour-long conversation that inevitably leads to more guilt, not to mention all those wasted cell phone minutes. Viola.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of writing down the same list only to realize that another year has gone by and absolutely nothing has changed. This year I’ve resolved not to resolve anything, call the kettle black, make waste with haste, keep my ducks and chickens out of row and count them long before they hatch. Let’s just do ourselves a favor and be realistic about those things I’ll probably never get resolved.

#1) I’m gonna get my drivers license back.

People who accuse women of being bad drivers have never met me. I’m the worst. Not only am I practically blind in one eye (read: no depth perception), I have horrible luck when it comes to cars.

I’ve crashed them (three accidents before I turned 17 ” do NOT bring it up with my dad), trashed them (forgot to change the oil) and even lost them (old VW died on the side of some street and got impounded so I basically considered it free garbage removal and went on with my life).

Even the judges I’ve met are astonished by my little speeding problem. Whenever I go to court I dress as young and cute as possible, and practice my best eyelash batting techniques in advance.

“You certainly don’t look like you have lead in your shoes, young lady,” they always say.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very cautious. I made sure not to get busted for speeding in the same state twice, especially Utah. I am always very friendly to the police officers and never try to make excuses. Those poor bastards have to listen to that drivel all the live-long day, so I’m sure they appreciate my compliance.

I just sit there quietly and offer them chocolate or gum if I have any on me, and make sure my dog stays out of biting distance. So what if it took me a year to finally make it down to the DMV in Glenwood to renew my license when it expired? JC Penny’s does not give me much to work with in the way of incentive.

When I finally did make it down there during a Halloween shopping spree to get slutty clothes for my Nikki Hilton costume, I found out my license got canceled and hasn’t been valid since 1997. Well, if I’ve been driving around for that long without one, why would I need one now?

#2) Get finances in order.

Unless Boogies, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Performance Ski, Polar Revolution, Goldie’s and Pitkin County Dry Goods go out of business any time soon, I don’t see how anyone can expect me to spend less than I make. Hello, that’s what credit cards are for. The more I spend, the more those silly people at Master Card extend my limit, which has been working out great so far.

#3) Eat healthier, work out more and drink less.

And around and around we go: First, I spend 10 times the amount of money I should for organic food. I go for the really gross stuff, the soy cheese and Ryvita and rice milk and the $10 bag of raw almonds and enough vegetables to start an indoor farm.

I stick with that until my stomach starts to feel like it might erupt like a produce volcano. I know I should stay away from carbs, but I need to calm my growling tummy before it explodes, and figure I need some toast or maybe a bagel or a plate of fries.

Then I feel guilty and go to the gym, and everyone knows nothing tastes better after a hard workout than a cold beer at the J Bar. Who am I to turn down free pretzels? I just have a few to tie me over before my burger arrives, sans bun of course.

#4) Focus on your career.

I definitely think about work a lot while I’m sitting in the gondola with my friends. They might be completely obsessed with the whole Walsh’s vs. Face of Bell dilemma, but I’m thinking about what I need to do as soon as I get home to get my writing career on track.

After a long, exhausting day riding all that powder, I figure as long as there’s snow on the ground, I have to take advantage of it, right? Plus everyone knows the best way to fuel creativity is to go out and do something physical to keep your brain pipes squeaky clean, shiny and fresh for the next outburst of inspiration. It is absurd to think you’re going to get anything accomplished during ski season, silly! That’s what mud season is for.

So let’s all pile into my car, race over to Bagel Bites and carbo-load for our next big day on the mountain. Afterward, we’ll throw back a few cold ones, discuss my next bright idea and toast to another beautiful year in Aspen.

[The Princess knows better than anyone that some things never change. Send fan mail only to]