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Alison Berkley: Reality TV bites compared to Aspen

I guess reality no longer bites.

Now we get to watch it on TV almost every night of the week. What started with The Real World and Survivor has mutated into programs so horrible that we can’t help but watch them religiously, and worse, talk about them afterward.

The whole reality TV thing has gotten totally out of control, like scratching poison ivy until it bleeds: faux millionaires and bachelorette sluts and bridezillas and celebrity moles. Eventually it’ll all just blend together, like when you wake up from a bad dream within a bad dream and can’t tell if you’re dreaming or not.

Take my co-worker, Jason, for example. In the short months I’ve known this guy, his social life has been a minidrama. He got dumped by an older woman, whom all his friends thought for sure he would marry, when her ex came back onto the scene.

No one saw it coming, especially poor old Jason, who spent most of his days making a cute little Web page with all the sickening photos of them in the same pose with different backdrops: arm and arm at Christmas parties, on top of Buttermilk, out to fancy restaurants, and at the petting zoo. I don’t think these two went anywhere without that stupid digital camera. Poor Jason spent a lot of time of that Web site, all for naught. She dumped his ass like a hot potato.

Desperate for a distraction, Jason let a friend sign him up for a dating Web site that requires a “vote of approval” from someone of the opposite sex who is already a member of the site. (These dating Web sites are another story entirely, a subject you can be sure I will get to later.)

The next thing you know, Jason gets a call from a major network who wants him to submit a video audition for “Around the World in 80 Dates” (gag!) so now instead of thinking about his ex or spending all day on that pathetic little Web site, he can focus on his audition tape instead.

Who needs reality TV when you live in Aspen?

A few ideas for some quality entertainment right here at home, without even having to turn on the tube.

Unemployed Guy

Lunches at the Cantina that last until 7 p.m., finding powder stashes on Ajax when it hasn’t snowed for three weeks, and spending two months on perfecting your resume for that next great job opportunity: watch my unemployed roommate make the most of his idle time!

See him take 30-minute showers in the morning when I need to get ready for work and he has nowhere to go!

Watch him slink into the house in snowboard gear, nose sun-kissed, wearing a gap-toothed smile from ear to ear so there’s no need to reiterate how good it was.

Watch him rub it in my face that he doesn’t need to work because he’s making more money than I am collecting unemployment. Bastard!

Dogfights at the Yellow House

Ladies and gentlemen, there is never a dull moment when you live with three very large, male dogs who all think they are the alpha.

Watch in amazement as Sebastian, the 90-pound chow-Lab mix tries to kill Memzer, a 130-pound St. Bernard.

Listen to the horrifying sounds of their growling and barking and the sight of their sharp teeth and fur flying through the air as they try to establish themselves as the head of the household.

Throw in Lorax, the grouchy old Bernese mountain dog, just to see what will happen. See him jump in with both paws flying, and just be thankful that at 9 years old, Lorax is still alive and kicking!

Peeping Jerome

Sit in the sports editor’s office at The Aspen Times which faces the Hotel Jerome during Gay Ski Week at nighttime and see all the homosexual men prancing around in their skivvies with the shades open.

Hide behind your computer hoping they’ll go away, then realize your efforts are futile. You just can’t take the gay out of Gay Ski Week ? these are the most joyous, happy folks to come in our town all winter (pun intended)! Don’t fret because they frolic. Just beg your editor to buy you some shades.

Chasing Amy

Watch dozens of desperate pathetic men try to pick up on one of the best looking girls in a ski town!

Watch as they line up with chests puffed and wallets open, thinking they actually have a shot with her.

See them get crushed when she tires of them after three or four dates and moves on to the next defenseless creature.

Watch them go through therapy, traumatized because they’re worried they aren’t good enough in bed, or worse, that their pee-pees may really be as small as they feared after all.

The Damon Debates

Get into it with my roommate Damon, a redhead who loves nothing more than a good argument.

Watch his fair, freckled cheeks turn red and see the sweat drip from his orange brow over the most inane subjects, from the lack of a playoff system in Division 1A football to whether or not shooting ducks should be considered hunting or sport.

Listen to him draw his knowledge and expertise from many sources, none of which are disputable. The object of this game isn’t about winning ? it’s about survival.

A hero dies (famous snowboarder and friend, Craig Kelly) and a prince is born (my oldest dear friend Deeni gave birth to a big baby boy named Harry).

My best friends buy their first home (in Carbondale ? it’s not like they’re millionaires!).

I eat, sleep, drink, work, snowboard and heaven forbid have sex that doesn’t involve some elaborate plot, manipulation or video cameras. What it does involve however, is turning off that damn TV set.

The Princess secretly hopes that she will get chosen for the newest reality TV show “Are You Hot?” coming to ABC sometime this summer. Producers can reach her alison@berkleymedia.com.


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