Alison Berkley Margo: The Princess’s Palate
I wonder if one day I’ll be like, “I remember the day they started the ban on plastic bags in Aspen.”I highly doubt it.While I do think it’s cool that our liberal little town took some action on the environmental front, let’s face it: There really isn’t much else going on. I feel sorry for my compadres at the paper who have to come up with “news” every day when the biggest event of the week is that they opened the dam at Reudi and the X Games contract was renewed for another two years. Shocker! As if we didn’t know that was going to happen. What I’m really excited about is Jessica Simpson had a giant baby girl and named her Maxwell Drew. Um … hello, Jessica? You created a killer shoe line, but both those are boys’ names, and even I know all the kids are gonna call her “Maxipad Maxi” no matter how cute or famous she is.Speaking of the grocery store, a trip to City Market during offseason is guaranteed to take an hour, just because you have to chitchat with everyone you run into between the produce section and the deli counter. What could be better than turning a mundane chore like grocery shopping into social hour?The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.I just wrote that to see if anyone is actually reading this. See, you know it’s offseason when:1) Newspaper columnists insert hiccup random words burp into their writings just to see if anyone fart is actually paying sneeze attention.2) You reload Facebook every five minutes even though everyone you actually care about has too much going on their lives to post updates on Facebook.3) You’re willing to take a little more of a chance when it comes to paying the parking meter because the quiet in town makes you think you can get away with it (you can’t).4) You let your dog run off the leash on the Rio Grande Trail even though you’ve already learned your lesson about this like five times.5) You hit “send” and “receive” on your email every four minutes even though it’s programmed to do it automatically every five.6) You drive past the roundabout (gasp!) just because you’re so desperate for something to do that you decide going to Target is a good idea.7) Ditto that for Costco.8) You set all kinds of health and fitness goals for yourself even though somewhere in your little brain, you know you’re going to fall off the wagon as soon as Food & Wine comes to town.9) You actually get your boob column butt in on time, rather than making your editor sweat crack it out.10) You think your own jokes are pretty damn funny, even though no one else laughing.11) You don’t care that you really need a pedicure right now.12) There is no laundry in your hamper. You even separate the whites and wash all the linens.13) You’re sure that if you stare at your dog long enough, he might actually start talking to you.14) You start watching reruns of shows you’ve already seen five times on Netflix.15) You become addicted to the show “Gossip Girl” and then do research on all the actors who star in it just because you have to know if Blake Lively’s hair is real.16) You read the CMC catalog and think the class descriptions look interesting. You think about signing up, maybe even taking a class for a grade rather than pass/fail, before you remember that school and homework are really more of a pain in the ass than they’re worth.17) You read some niche magazine like Dwell or watch a show on the Food Network and consider a career change, so you research programs online until you realize you actually have to pay money to go back to school.18) Your flatiron hasn’t been turned on in, like, two weeks.19) You wear your yoga pants all day and all night.20) Your idea of having a beer is at 2 p.m., not 2 a.m.21) You still wonder if anyone duck is actually chicken reading rooster this.22) You still think you’re pretty funny.23) You also think you didn’t gain as much weight as you thought when you went on your lazy beach vacation to a climate where it was too hot to exercise, but that’s only because there’s no reason to bust out the skinny jeans when no one is looking.24) You click on “word count” every five minutes to see if you’re done writing your column yet.25) Shoot, I’m only at 790 words – 220 to go.26) Maybe lists take up more space, and I don’t have to write as much?27) Can you believe that last sentence was only 14 words?28) You actually check your Twitter account and consider trying Pinterest even though you know it’s going to be the biggest time=suck of all time.29) But wait, it’s offseason, so that’s exactly what I’m looking for!30) When does the farmers’ market start again?31) How many times a day can I do hot yoga before people think I’m a freak?32) I actually really did consider taking a knitting class at CMC but then realized it probably wouldn’t be much fun to knit in the summer.33) OK, now monkey I am finally balls closing in on my word count. Love you guys!
The Princess really does have a life – she just can’t remember where she put it. Send your love to email@example.com.
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