Alison Berkley Margo: The Princcess’s Palate
Aspen CO Colorado
You want to talk extreme, forget about the X Games. I’m doing a 21-day cleanse.
That’s right, three fat weeks to get un-fat. Three weeks without alcohol, without sugar, without cheese or red meat or processed foods. Forget about pasta and white rice, forget about anything resembling a salty snack, and while we’re at it, say goodbye to dinner you can eat with a fork.
For three full weeks it’s liquid for breakfast and liquid dinner, and just to torture yourself by remembering what real food tastes like, you’re allowed to have organic lean protein and veggies for lunch.
I’m like an astronaut, packing as many different foods as I can think of into my new Ninja blender. I’ve given a whole new meaning to the word “smoothie” by creating concoctions that are essentially entire meals blended into glorified baby food. Between that and my juicer, you’ve never seen so many fruits and veggies get pulverized in one household in one day. There’s carrot pulp everywhere, berries that have been stepped on and mashed into the kitchen floor, piles of apple core in the garbage and ginger-skin shavings clogging the disposal.
It’s true I feel like a crazy person, sitting on the couch at night eating my smoothie with a spoon, but I saw my hipbones for the first time in, like, a year the other day. It’s so totally worth it.
I’m going to go ahead and blame married life on my recent weight gain since I managed to find the guy who says, “I love you just the way you are,” and really means it. I’m stuck for life with a loving, affectionate man who thinks curves are sexy. I wake up every morning with someone who tells me how much he loves my bubble butt. This is a guy who would take Jennifer Aniston over Angelina Jolie and thinks there’s such a thing as too skinny. He says skinny girls are gross.
Can you believe that?
This is very confusing considering that for the past 20 years, my goal in life was to be as thin as possible because I believed that’s what men want. Now that I find out it’s entirely possible to have a man who would love me no matter what (though it is not beyond him to let me know if I have a hair in my chin that needs to be yanked out or if I really should go brush my teeth), it’s a total game-changer.
It took me 15 pounds and two full dress sizes to realize this isn’t about him. It’s about me.
After being married to a man like that for a year, you get to the point where your clothes don’t fit and you have to wear a belt with your snowboarding pants so they don’t pop open every time you bend over to strap in. Then you finally give up and just buy a bigger size, but they’re so long you have to roll them up. So now instead of looking like a cute little snow bunny, you look like a little snow pig.
Clearly, something had to be done.
I’ve done the juice-cleanse thing in the past, and let me be the first one to tell you it totally sucks. Sure, you can lose a lot of weight really quickly, but the price is that you’re starving every minute of every day. Plus, it takes a hell of a lot of vegetables to make enough juice to live on, and when you’re talking organic, it’s almost more expensive than just eating normal food. Then when the cleanse is over and you start eating again, you gain the weight back as fast as you lost it.
This is a program based
on the book “Clean,” by Dr.
Alejandro Junger (www.clean
program.com). The book has lots of recipes that have me doing things I never imagined I would do. Like making cheese out of nuts and drinking kombucha, which tastes like vinegar and has weird stuff floating in it, and eating soup made out of raw vegetables and using almond milk in just about everything.
Speaking of almond milk, my smoothies, oh my God. I figured out a way to make a smoothie that tastes exactly like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, only with almond butter and frozen organic berries. Have you ever tried stevia? Hello! It’s like this herbal supplement that has no calories and makes everything so sweet it aches, like it’s going to make your teeth fall out.
I should have my own Food Network show with the elaborate lunches I’ve been making because it is my only meal of the day. I’ve made salmon with grilled vegetables and seared ahi with soba noodles and bok choy and chicken stir-fry with almond sauce and brown rice. Never in my life has quinoa tasted so good. If you’ve never tried coconut oil, you are seriously missing out. Throw that into a pan with some veggies, and it’s like eating a tropical vacation.
If you think I’m losing my mind, it’s true. But if I’m losing weight, too, then who cares?
By the time y’all read this, I’ll only have three days left. I’ve been thinking about what I’ll want to eat when it’s over, what I’ve missed the most. That’s when I realized that what I really miss is feeling this good.
I hope I remember this the next time I try to rationalize how life is too short not to order extra bacon or that it’s OK to eat an entire bag of pretzels for lunch if that’s all I’m having or fried is fine as long as you eat it with chopsticks at a fancy sushi restaurant. Plus, I probably don’t need six beers – four is just fine.
Of course I realize it’s not realistic to eat smoothies for dinner for the rest of my life – unless maybe I add a little vodka into the mix.
The Princess really loves pretzels. Email your love to email@example.com.
Support Local Journalism
Support Local Journalism
Each donation will be used exclusively for the development and creation of increased news coverage.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.
User Legend: Moderator Trusted User
Hold on a second. Did I read the headline right? Aspen is going to host World Cup downhill and super-G races next March? I don’t believe it. It’s impossible! I know it’s impossible because that…