Alison Berkley: Decoding Valentine chatter |

Alison Berkley: Decoding Valentine chatter

Oh, great. Valentines Day is right around the corner.- If youre lucky, good ol V-Day is the perfect time to get in a fight with your significant other when he doesnt understand what a D-O-Z-E-N-R-O-S-E-S means.If youre just gettin lucky, Feb. 14 is your little wake-up call that shes using you for sex and has no desire to be seen with you before last call. If youre not lucky at all, then its just a big, fat reminder that you havent gotten laid in six months. Now is that a cause for celebration? I dont think so.Seems to me men and women have enough problems as it is, and Valentines Day only makes things worse. This is especially true in our tiny little pool called Aspen, where we dont have a whole hell of a lot of fish and the sea is almost 1,000 miles away.The way I see it, guys have this tendency to take things a wee bit too literally. On a normal day, he can probably get away with totally missing her point, suffering nothing more than a dirty look or a sarcastic remark or that face she makes when she rolls her eyes. But if you screw things up on Valentines Day, you are, as my mom used to say, so in the doghouse.The most important thing to understand about women is they will rarely say what they mean. Nine times out of 10, their words are like little worms dangling at the end of some invisible line, just waiting for that unsuspecting bite. Yes, boys, that would be called bait. Very good!Forget about honesty, never mind all that cotton candy about communication being the key to a good relationship. Your only job is to swallow that bait with your mouth wide open. Latch onto that hook and let her reel you right in, lest she get frustrated and mad and not want to have sex with you ever again as long as you both shall live. Shes the one holding the rod, so you might as well go with the flow and not be trying to swim upstream.I can already hear the excuses now, sputtering out of your mouth like exhaust on a dirty tailpipe. So lets just spare ourselves the trouble and tell it like it really is before she junks you on some remote stretch of Highway 82.If she says, Dont bother getting me anything for Valentines Day, what she really means is: Dont bother getting me anything but flowers for Valentines Day, so you can save your money for my birthday present.Women love to pretend that they dont care about the big VD. Theyll sit around all the livelong day and talk about how its a Hallmark holiday, a commercialized bunch of chocolate horse doodie and blah-blah-blah. Meanwhile, in their spare time, theyre scouring the paper for the best Valentines Day two-for-one dinner specials. Make no mistake. The roses are the gift portion of this program that three-course champagne dinner is already on the menu.If she says, I dont care what you get me for Valentines Day, that does not mean go shop at Ace Hardware. I know you think youre being thoughtful or clever because you just so happened to remember that time she asked you to come over to help her change a light bulb or borrowed your hammer to hang that antique ski poster she bought last summer at the farmers market.Newsflash: What she needs probably has zero to none to do with what she wants. Go ahead and give her that tool, but you can be sure the last thing shell want to do with it is nail you.If she says, It doesnt matter what we do, as long as were together, shes probably not talking about watching SportsCenter on ESPN. (And dont think for one second youll get away with calling it cuddling on the couch.) The only couch thats involved in this picture is going to be the one at the shrinks office that youll be sitting on during couples therapy. Lets just say that relatively speaking, dinner is a bargain, so you might as well take her to one of Aspens finest.The best is when she uses Valentines Day as an emotional cue to discuss your relationship.If she says, Lets just be friends who sleep together, chances are shes been living in Aspen long enough to realize there are 100 other guys who are even better skiers than you. Its a nice way of saying shes met someone else and is trying to keep you on the hook in case it doesnt work out with the other guy. Either way, you can be sure the friends-who-have-sex thing is too good to be true.If she says, Its OK if you see other people, it means she already cheated on you and doesnt want to have to feel guilty about it. Just understand that she might be OK with the fact that youre not blind and can see other women. But if you so much as look at another girl, youre dead meat. Two cheers for the ol double standard, woo-hoo!If all goes according to plan, you might even be alone by Valentines Day next year then youll really have a reason to celebrate.[The Princess really does not want anything for Valentines Day (hint, hint). Send your love to]