Alison Berkley: Curing those off-season blues | AspenTimes.com
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Alison Berkley: Curing those off-season blues

I know spring is time for change and all that, but this is ridiculous.

Am I the only one who’s los-

ing it? Helloooo, I cleaned the snow off my car on May 5. I don’t care about the mayor election or whatever it is, I’m cold. I tried to be positive about this whole mud season thing last week, but it was sunny and warm then.

The fact of the matter is I am bored off my bee’s nest and my patience wears thinner every day. Lord knows I am the queen of finding distractions (I was once dubbed “The ADD Poster Child” by a high school professor), but my efforts to entertain myself in a ghost town with unpredictable weather are futile. I have tried everything, I swear. If you want to torture yourself like I do, here are

a few ideas that were not included in all those women’s magazines I bought off the rack at Carl’s (although that might explain my compulsion to use this cheesy list format).

#1) Fill your kitchen with health food, eat too much of it, and then have a farting contest with your dog.

Hey, don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful to have the extra month before midriff-baring season starts, so I am totally on it. I quit smoking, haven’t had a drink in 10 days, and will no longer stop at the Texaco after the bars close for Hot Pockets and Tombstone Pizzas.

I bought a bunch of health food that looks very cool in the kitchen pantry: granola, raw nuts, Ryvita crackers, vanilla soy milk, and almond butter in colorful packages with lots of cursive writing and earthy colors. I got grape seed oil and organic veggies and fresh fruit and Japanese Udon noodles and sesame seeds and raw tuna. It looks good and tastes good and I love the idea of it. But it churns in my tummy and swells in my colon like the Roaring Fork after all these heavy wet spring storms. Soy beans and soy cheese and raw veggies, oh my. All this health food is making me sick.

#2) Exercise regularly so you can fully understand how fat and out of shape you really are.

What is it with all these tall, thin people in this town who can walk faster than I can run? I mean, I am totally motivated to work out and all that, but these people who have the nerve to pass me going up Smuggler when I am obviously working hard to maintain a steady jog really piss me off.

You know who I’m talking about, those women with gazelle legs who wear brand-new running shoes and black running tights and fleece vests and sun visors all day long, even when they’re inside and it’s dark out. They stride past me like they’re on a walk in the park, chatting it up with their perfect ponytails swinging back and forth while I run with my head down, lungs seizing and my legs cramping while I try my hardest to keep them from passing me, but they always do. I hate them.

#2) Go to Denver, realize it sucks, and come running back to Aspen.

It’s a nice idea, the city and all that. But then you actually get there and it’s flat and ugly and smoggy and there are too many people and way too many cars and you have to change lanes and pay attention. I can’t see a god damned thing and forgot how to drive from living in downtown Aspen for so long which makes city driving less than fun for me.

So you shop for all that stuff that’s so much cheaper, but end up spending the difference in gas and coming home with a carload of stuff you definitely could have lived without (i.e. all that disgusting stuff from Wholefoods). The drive always feels longer than it should and you end up wishing you stayed in Aspen to begin with, planted on the couch watching the hockey playoffs with your sports-obsessed roommate.

#3) Place bets on what the weather will do next.

No, I will not unpack all those winter clothes I put away last week when it was like 70 degrees out. I will walk around in the same sweatshirt for like five days and freeze and be dirty at the same time. I will run in shorts and a T-shirt and watch it snow even though the sun is out, the sky dark in one direction and blue as the Caribbean sea on the other, like David Bowie’s eyes.

I will call all my friends in California and try to explain it to them just to see if they’ll believe me. Then I’ll log onto a travel web site and look for the lowest fare to the beach, even though I’m on deadline and supposed to be writing this column. (I leave a week from Monday, yahoooo!)

#4) Get back together with your ex.

Sorry, Charlie, this is about as easy to avoid as hangovers on Tuesdays. It is spring after all, so why should naught you frolic? I’m sure the reason you broke up has everything to do with logic and nothing to do with need. Don’t kid yourself, it should always be the other way around. Matter over mind, I always say. What’s another roll in the hay? (Hey, I made a rhyme).

#5) Spend $100 on beauty products at Carl’s

Now is the time to try all that stuff you swore you’d never need: mud masks, bubble baths, deep conditioning treatments, nail polish and zit cream. Convert your bedroom into a spa (you may have to close your eyes) and prove to yourself, once again, how all those products don’t work and why they are a waste of money.

#7) Clean room, get caught up with work, pay bills.

Yeah, right.

[The Princess hopes she’ll have something more interesting to say next week. E-mail your bright flippin’ ideas to alison@berkleymedia.com ]


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