Alison Berkley: Breaking down the girls for the guys | AspenTimes.com

Alison Berkley: Breaking down the girls for the guys

I hate to say it, but single guys in Aspen need to get a clue.From what I can tell, they have no idea how to deal with girls in this town. Listen, I am as much of a sexist as anyone and understand that women are a total pain in the ass. Why do you think I’m so boy crazy? That’s not to say there aren’t good ones out there – it’s just that when you find them, you better hold on tight. Because if you happen to snag any one of these Aspen femmes fatale on the end of your line, I suggest you toss ’em back before they get you hook, line and sinker.-The Gold DiggerYour chances of survival (on a scale of 1-10): 2These chicks are the easiest to spot – they make sure of it. They wear navel-bearing sweats (“Yoga Wear”) and tight tank tops to make sure you don’t miss their fake tits and Pilates-sculpted bodies. They hang out in packs to keep each other company while their current boyfriends are at work, and have probably been married at least once already. They have highlighted, blow-dried hair, designer sunglasses and expensive purses. “Going Dutch” is not a part of their vocabulary, and neither are men who can’t afford to pay. Their main prerogative is making sure they nail the right guy so that they never actually have to get a job. But before you sell your soul for the ultimate accessory, ask yourself this: Do you really want to get worked only so they don’t have to work at all?-The Party GirlChances of Survival: Starts at 6, then drops 2 points per week.Relinquish all control if you want to hang out with The Party Girl. They never go home before last call, have a million friends and are hard to get with alone. They know everyone and greet them all with a kiss on the cheek, which makes you think that maybe you’re not so special after all. Of course she’ll be able to drink you under the table, and don’t be surprised when she orders a bloody Mary for breakfast while you’re still fighting the urge to throw up because your hangover is that bad. The problem with these girls is they’re hard to pin down – always on the go and highly visible among other appealing guys just like you. Chances are that just when you think things are going well she’ll start dating someone you work with and thought was your friend. The trick with these girls is to live in the moment and make that moment last, because they will only want you until the party is over.-The One Who’s Hard to GetChances of Survival: She won’t give you the opportunity to find out.This one seems so basic to me I just don’t understand why you don’t get it. These are the women every guy wants. They turn heads when they walk into a room and seem to look good no matter what they are wearing. Guys always want to know if they have “a shot” with her, and are about as subtle with their interest as a drooling dog. Here’s a news flash: Girls who are hard to get like guys who are hard to get. You are never going to win them over with attention or flattery, and definitely don’t sit around waiting for them to notice that you’ve been putting in a lot of time at the gym. Either try a little reverse psychology or give it up. Chances are there’s not much in that pretty package, anyway.-The AthleteChances of Survival: 10, but you’re apt to get killed when she dusts you on the side of some mountain.Super active and fit, these girls have hard bodies and tan faces and sunburns on the end of their nose. They’re healthy and strong and live by the “no friends on a powder day” credo, which you adore. Their mountain bike is worth more than your car and the only tight clothes they’ll ever wear are made of spandex. They love to hike and bike and ski, but the only problem is they kick your ass at everything you do. While these girls do make excellent relationship material, you’ll be longing for the days when getting physical was something you did between the sheets, not on the trail. Your best bet? Tell these chicks what they really want to hear: Take a hike!-The ForeignerChances of Survival: You’ll find out when you have to meet her fatherWhile us girls always get sucked in by the Aussie/Kiwi crowd, I’d say the guys are suckers for the Latinas. You know what I’m talking about, those South American girls with their caramel-colored skin and spicy accents that always make them sound like they’re choking on their own tongue. These girls are sexy and exotic until it dawns on you that a) she’s more religious than you thought, b) her whole family wants to meet you, which will require a very expensive plane ticket and an obligation to her father you really don’t want to make, and c) those little foreign things you thought were cute at first are starting to get really annoying. Before you give her Big Daddy a reason to have your American ass strung up to dry, I suggest you say A-D-I-O-S.-The Spoiled GirlChances of Survival: Good, if she likes you as much as her father.Now what in the world would I know about this purebred pussy cat? Though seemingly complex and hard to please on the outside, these girls are gold if they don’t scare the shit out of you first by making demands you know you’ll never be able to meet. They have always been given everything they want and love their daddies more than they’re ever going to love you. Shower them with attention, but always make sure you keep some things out of their reach, because they’re always going to want what they think they can’t have. They’re narcissistic and vein and love to push boundaries and break rules just to see what they can get away with, which means they’re fabulous in bed. Dating these girls is like digging for gold – you’ll either turn up with a big fat nugget or get buried neck deep in a big pile of dirt.If relationship woes have got you down and you need the name of a good shrink, e-mail the Princess at aspenprincess@msn.com

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