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Addison Gardner: Always Right

Addison Gardner
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

Today marks eight Tuesdays since Obama began chauffeuring nutty Nancy’s socialist agenda past Americans too distracted by disappearing assets to notice.

As both Hillary Clinton and Rahm Emmanuel have noted, “A crisis is a terrible thing to waste.” And Obama is a proponent of waste management and recycling.

Up until last week, the president was recycling fear and threatening Americans with economic doom, unless we did Nancy’s bidding and supported the Democrats’ grunting congressional porkfest. Last Thursday ” post pork passage ” the president announced, “Things are not as bad as we thought!”

Yee-haw! Hares from hats! Rejoice en masse!

Hold the catastrophe, please, and bring me side orders of bacon, some sausage patties, some chops, a ham-hock, some pork rinds, a spiral-sliced ham and whatever else you got back there: I’m hungry, and I got taxpayer money to burn.

This column has angered Aspen readers because it has reported the kidnapping of moderate “Change We Can Believe in Man,” and the re-emergence of his Chicago alter ego ” the evil twin rated the most liberal legislator in the U.S. Senate ” “Change We Should Have Predicted Man.”

Remember when “Campaign Man” promised to “change the same ol’ faces,” “banish business as usual,” “exile lobbyists,” and “end earmarks”?

That was then, and this is now.

The only things recycled, so far, have been Clinton’s Arkansas operatives (Carville/Begala) and Obama’s campaign teleprompter.

The president’s onstage signing ceremonies celebrate funding foreign abortions, closing Gitmo, assigning al Qaida detainees to Judge Judy, and funding experiments on human embryos. But, backstage, Obama issues “signing statements” and rubber-stamps more pork.

A constant criticism of this column has been, “Yabbut, why aren’t you suggesting solutions!?”

Column defenders have replied that my “solutions” are implicit: “Stop breaking your promises, Mr. President; replay those teleprompter tapes to learn what you’re doing wrong and what you promised to do right.”

In deference to annoyed Aspenites, I’ve decided to introduce “Addison Gardner’s Plan to Save America and Stop Chafing Liberals.”

Today you get the blueprint, but I’ll be providing a full accounting, later, when Treasury Secretary Geithner details his “Roadmap to Economic Recovery.”

Since he has already stopped the car to allow Speaker Daisy to climb over the seat and take the wheel, this is the perfect time for Obama to pop the trunk and dump the deadbeats.

It’s time to unload America’s greedy rich.

After months of listening to Pelosi, Reid and Obama (America’s leadership flowchart), I’ve decided that wealthy, productive citizens are the problem; they won’t surrender their wills to “the common good,” and they won’t pay their fair share.

I say we boot ’em.

Eligible for expulsion would be Wall Street types, bankers, business CEOs, people who ride in non-commercial jets (except for Speaker Daisy), lobbyists (except those on Obama’s staff), tax avoiders (except those on Obama’s staff), and anybody else who owns or administers a non-union business.

I have in mind a new “Trail of Tears” ” a writhing snake of disgraced rich people, stripped of their Hummers and furs, and quick-marched north to the U.S./Canadian border. Nobody who filed a federal tax return ” especially the 5 percent of wealthy slobs who paid 60 percent of America’s income taxes ” should be spared.

Picture a sort of prisoner exchange: wealthy American capitalists swapped for Canadian bureaucracy specialists. We can move Canada’s government-growth gurus into vacated housing in Aspen and elsewhere.

Canadians have perfected the system that Speaker Daisy intends to install in America. Why “reinvent the wheel,” when the wheel can be rolled from Ottawa to Washington?

I thought that up, myself, without Tom Daschel’s help.

My plan to recycle Canadians is a “Canary Initiative” coup that will kill even more carbon than cloth grocery bags, since relocating millions of Canadians to Washington, D.C., will place them within one day’s drive of Disneyworld.

Next, America should expel the U.S. military, since it’s expensive and imperialistic. You can keep a force of a few thousand, give them blue helmets, and train them to pass out Ring Dings and Moon Pies when the next hurricane whacks New Orleans.

We Neo-Canadians will take your military, save you $500 billion a year, and free up cash for Frisbee golf courses, cow flatulence samplings, gang tattoo removal, green golf carts, pig odor research, beaver management, termite studies, rodeo museums, catfish genetics experiments, a new lighthouse in Maine and a bronze bust of Teddy Kennedy.

Plus, you won’t have to pay Democratic lawyers to contest military absentee ballots in future elections. That savings, alone, will fund renaming streets “Obama Way” in every American hamlet.

As a Neo-Canadian, I will advocate for resettling our new military just to the north of the U.S./Canadian border and putting them to work constructing a new security fence like the one the U.S. Congress authorized along our former Mexican border.

True, we will now be 2,500 miles from Mexico, but an ounce of electrified fence is worth a pound of cut-cocaine.

There remain details to be worked out, but our lawyers can arrive at an amicable division. You can have the ACLU, the hip-hop, and the GM “Volt”; we’ll take the NRA, the oil, the coal, the Christmas creches and the pickup trucks.

With rich capitalists gone, unchained union workers, government officials, and non-taxpaying poor people will restore American solvency.

Adopt my plan, and I’ll clap for you from Calgary.


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